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I'm a straight asian male, an average smart student, that nice kid, that smart student that is nice, talk to people and give them answers, have a large circle of friend. That's just how everyone see me, but that's not the only thing.

I fear of getting low grades and being a disappointment to my family, fear of socialising to people because i might stutter while talking and ending up embarrassing myself, and that fear of losing my 'friends' when i come out. The last part is my biggest fear actually, well my bestfriends that aren't part of my so called 'smart, popular group of friends' know that i'm gay and because i'm really close to them since we were 9. The reason when i quiet down when they're all talking is because i'm slowly thinking of the consequences of coming out, and i just thinking of them turning their backs on me and judge me. I really take my friends that i've had and have seriously because i'm a very caring person and actually it's becoming a bad thing to the fact that i trust people that only use me even though i know that they will.

I fear of loosing my friends that's almost like a family to me, they accepted me and also take good care of me, they even consider me as their little brother because i'm the most youngest one. I know that i will miss it, and find it any where i go. You might say that i should just focus to my actual real bestfriends, well, people change, they've changed so much these days we won't even talk today each other as usual. But to my circle of friends they'd always chat each other on gcs and talk stuffs, it never get boring and they never get bored either, they really amuse me because they act like that as if they've known each other so long but actually they've just met few months ago.

Thinking of it, they actually make me feel so important and they understand me too and they really try so hard to understand me. They really act like my older brothers and sisters but better. But the problem is, we don't really know each other that long, and i don't even know what they really are like. So, i don't know what to even write anymore. I don't want to loose any friends, and i don't want to look like that quiet smart kid, i don't want to be like that again. Years ago i try so hard to overcome my social anxiety and insecurities and now i had overcome it, i don't want to loose my hardworks but i don't want to loose my family either.

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Re: fear

i had this problem with coming out to friends as well (Im pansexual btw) but it was a bit different because my best friend is trans and I had known them for much longer. What I suggest is not telling them but not treating it like a secret either. So basically don’t tell them but don’t think of it as a secret. If you do end up going out with a guy then just do it. You don’t have to tell them but you don’t have to conceal it. Sorry I know I haven’t helped at all I’m a fucking bitch with a brain the size of a fucking pea.