(Warning: Mentions of various fears, suicide, and a lot of rambling)
I’m really, really scared of a lot of things.
And I don’t just mean regular fear- I am fucking terrified of things, no matter how minuscule or idiotic it is.
Glitter, spiders/bugs, suffocation, needles, death, pain upon others/myself, failure..
But something I’m really afraid of is my friends learning the truth- The truth being that I deserve to die. As much as I want to tell them, I don’t want them to get worried or upset.
I’ve had several people tell me that they want to die, or even that they were going to attempt to kill themselves, and that fucking scared me. It made me feel both like their lives were in my hands, and that I ultimately had no control over their fates. It makes me constantly worry about them, to the point where I’m always thinking about them. And I really don’t want any of my friends to go through that- Especially the one who made me feel this way.
I hate myself and this body so, so much, and yet there’s too much that ties me to this world. This place can be as beautiful as it is disgusting, and those little moments are what keep me alive.
And that scares me too. I just want an escape- I want to be free, to fulfill my purpose, to suffer. But if I did, so many people would be affected- My parents, relatives and friends would be fucking devastated. And on top of that, what if I were to die without my control? It makes my fear of death even more intense, since I inevitably have no control over the end of my life; That is, unless I end it myself. But, that sounds like it would hurt people even more-
I just don’t know what to do. I’m stuck in so many cycles; Wanting to go outside but having too many fears, wanting physical contact while being anxious around people, wishing for death when there’s so much good in the world.
But, it’s okay. Things will get better. I’ll get accustomed to the presence of others, I’ll overcome my fears, and my cravings for death will melt away, like snow.
I’m okay, most of the time. I have mood swings and “despair” moments, but I’ll overcome them. Because this world, in the end- is truly worth saving.
I’m sorry for rambling about so much. Also, in case it weren’t obvious, I am the same person who wrote “A Confession.” I should probably go by a name here in case anybody wants to piece these all together, so.. Call me Coin. It seems like an odd name, but it does have some meaning- I’ll go over that some other time, but for now I’m going to go eat.