I've been thinking a lot about the afterlife. I am a Muslim, female, and bisexual. I never had a problem with it when I realized that but I've been struck with a really horrifying realization as of late. I live in a country that is majority Muslim and I'm surrounded with Muslim relatives. I used to go to a private school where the majority of the students are Buddhist, with christian catholic and christian protestants too. All in all, a diverse school, even the Muslims became a minority there. As such religious education is usually restricted to respective religion classes. It sounds really open-minded and it really is, because of those I was able to grew up with no judgement to different religion, culture and ethnicity. However, it also makes me not as much religiously educated compared to students who went to a public school and being a Muslim is, usually, the norm. Not only that, my parents are not as religious. I reckon it is because of their own poor backgrounds. Possibly, they prioritized work to have enough income to help their respective parents. They are moderately open-minded but I don't think they'll be accepting of my bisexuality, and I do not want to get disconnected from them. I grew up not being used to pray 5 times a day, even until now, I don't remember all the verses that you're supposed to say during each position while praying. That is a really bad thing because Salat is considered one of the important pillars in being a Muslim. Even with all my negligence, I still do believe in God and all of their wonderful creations. But I am deathly afraid of the afterlife, and most noticeably, hell. It has been out of my mind in years but all of this quarantine has possibly got me thinking a lot. I became deathly aware of things, am I going to hell because I am bisexual? Do God hate me because I fail to worship them? I desperately want to think that being lgbtq+ is not a sin, because, in part, it is not. Science has proven that it is something natural, as like if you were born with different colored hair or so. But a part of me also says, it is a test given by God. And I hate that I agree with both of the notion at the same time and I think it is extremely unfair. Sometimes this internal conflict also led me to think, am I a Muslim? Is it bad that I want people judged by their actions equally without looking into what their beliefs are? The most accepting and kind people that I've met are mostly not Muslim and unfortunately a lot of judgmental people I've encountered are Muslim. These questions makes me mad, afraid, sad, and fearful of myself. Sometimes I had wished I was born differently and I won't be having these struggles. I don't like conservatives ideas but sometimes I wished I was born that way and it would be a lot easier in terms of questioning, or in this case, not, religion.Anywho, I'm kind of afraid on writing this because it only solidifies my doubts and even though it is anonymous, I might delete it one day, if the platform allows I only found out about this site due to fearful curiosity.