I wrote here already about this but I wanted to include more because it felt good to get it off my chest. My anxiety has made this experience worse and when I look at the facts I know I’m overthinking it. So if someone in the replies could just tell me everything will be alright and just to move on.
I found an online mistress to dominate me. I thought I wanted it because I feel worthless and have no self esteem so I decided to try to worship someone. (Horrible idea). She told me that she would make me feel safe and loved and I had never had that so I decided to try it. I filmed and took pictures of myself doing degrading stuff to myself. I never showed my full face only a small portion of my mouth, nose, and chin. I never sent a picture of myself so she has no idea what I look like. I also used a altered name. After doing it for a few days I realized I didn’t like it and it made me feel worse. So I asked to stop she said I could whenever I wanted. I paid tribute to her so that I could serve and she said I could leave whenever I wanted. She lied. When I told her I didn’t want to continue because I didn’t like the stuff I was doing she got mad. She said I would have to pay to stop. So I paid. Then she tried to get more money but I’m completely out of it. I had an intense anxiety attack and have felt suicidal thoughts for a long time and the urge to kill myself was never stronger. I told her this and she relented and allowed me to leave. She showed me that she deleted all the stuff and wished me the best in getting over my anxiety and mental health stuff. I still worry that somehow all the stuff i sent will get out even though she showed me it was deleted and you can’t even tell it’s me, it’s my anxiety making my brain overthink. I also just feel so dumb for trusting her. I just wanted someone to make me feel safe, loved and that I wasn’t worthless. If someone could tell me in the replies that everything will be okay and that I’m overreacting that would be great thanks.