i feel like my life could not matter at all and everything is just numb. i hate feeling this way because i’m privileged to be living the life i have but i hate my mind. i’m so jealous of all my friends who have great relationships with their parents, all my best friends who are all gorgeous, i’m mediocre and it hurts so much when i end up liking someone and they’re only talking to me cause they’re interested in my friends. i hate how i’m slowly starting to not care about school anymore and disappointing my parents everyday. i hate how i have a love/hate relationship with my parents. my dads an alcoholic but can’t admit that. my parents probably don’t even actually love each other they’re just married to be married. my brothers moved out now has a nice life healthy has an amazing girlfriend and it just seems like everything is going amazing for him while i’m the disappointment of the family feeling so depressed and useless. it’s a feeling of wanting to end it all but i’d never actually do it. my friends parents aren’t very “strict” and tbh mine aren’t as strict as a standard strict parents is, we all have a lot of freedom yet i’m still jealous. i’m so jealous of their communication and their heathy relationship with their parents. they don’t cry every night not feeling loved because they are loved. in so envious of that. i wish i could feel that way. recently i talked with a friend, we both have had suicidal thoughts before (we both would never actually do it) and we realized by taking to other people that, that’s not a normal daily thought that occurs in peoples minds? there are teenagers out there that are genuinely happy and don’t think about things like that? if there are, i envy them. i wish i could be free of my own mind. i just want to fall asleep and just not wake up. i feel like that would feel so nice.
Re: feeling useless.
Been feeling the same for sometime now. Only thing that keeps me going is the fact that we are going to die anyway and thankfully life is short and we are not immortal. I think I now prefer a natural death as opposed to suicide. Who can say that whatever it is after this life ends is better than what it is now? What if whatever it is after is even worse? I'm currently addicted to reading books and eating different kinds of tasty food and travelling. Doesn't cure you of feeling alone but who says it's bad to feel lonely? And that you've got to have many friends? And that you should be perpetually happy? That everything works out fine? So dear friend, let's just go on in this journey and face whatever comes with the knowledge that nothing is permanent.