I can't remember the last time I've been truly honest with other people including myself. I always invalidate my own feelings. My own emotions. I always act like nothing is wrong and that everything is fine but the truth is, it's the complete opposite. I am trying to convince myself that I don't need help. That i can do this on my own. I know I can but it's tiring. I feel exhausted. I found someone that's willing to stay by my side. He's always there whenever I need someone to talk to. He is there if I need to cry. He's never tired of listening to my stories and my rants. I always tell him about how my day had been and what's going on with my life and he always listens. He encourages me and always lift me up. He laughs at my corniest jokes. He's also good at making me laugh. I enjoy every second I am with him. The more i spend time with him, the more my feelings for him gets stronger and stronger. I asked him before if there is a chance that our friendship will be more than just this. He said it's better if we remain friends. I respected that. So I tried to be contented with being just a friend. Now, he has a girlfriend. I am pretending that I am okay. I am pretending that I am not hurt or jealous coz i don't have the right to feel that way. But it's so hard to pretend. Every time he talks about the girl, I pretend to listen and ignore my feelings. But I AM HURT. I don't want to be just a friend. I know I should stop dreaming about being with him in the future. I should stop dreaming about me and him. I SHOULD STOP. I tried to divert my attention to other things. I even tried to talk to other guys but I can't help it. It's still him that i want. I want to tell it to him. I want him to know that I don't want to be just a friend but I don't want to ruin the friendship. I don't want to make things complicated. I know if I tell him, things will be awkward. I don't want to lose him. I have all the intention of keeping him. Even if it's just as a friend. I rather keep this to myself than letting him know that I love him. I love him more than just a friend.