I think I'm checking out tonight.
For about half of my life, including the entirety of my teens and much of my twenties, I was isolated from the world. I had no agency. I had no say in what I ate, in whether to take the massive quantities of drugs I was prescribed, and I could not leave. I spent only a few hours outside each year- going to and from a car. I had no opportunities to learn how to connect with people or function in the world. I had no formal education past middle school.
I've had to fight every step along the way to gain some independence. I thought that if I could recover from this, I could use my experience to help other people. But the people who were supposed to be there to help me along the way have so thoroughly broken my trust and faith in people that I no longer believe I can make anything meaningful from it.
I've still had to return every night to the room I was trapped in. I still have to face the people who oversaw it all when I wake up in the morning. And now I've been locked down with them for months with few opportunities to get away.
I know I could thrive away from here. Most of the things that hold me back are internal, and they are only kept alive by living here. When I've had a few days away, I've experienced it all disappear, replaced by hope, joy, and excitement for the life ahead of me. But they also keep me from getting away. I was close to escaping all of this, but the lockdown made my plans impossible.
I don't have social connections, references, history. I don't have anywhere to go. I used to think that if I offered some value to the world, tried to make a positive difference, that something would come along. I believed that someone like minded might come along and be inclined to help prop me up while I work on getting to a position from which I can help people. But I'm no longer certain that the world abounds with others interested in something beyond their own benefit.
I know I could do it alone, too, but I'm too burned out to keep this up. I haven't had a moment of peace in a long time. I haven't had anyone to turn to and no one to feel safe around or to build any connection with. None of this really means anything anymore.