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Finding Sexuality

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I am a boy (17). I have an year old sister. My parents did not allow me to make much friends. At home i had only my sister and a cousin( girl) to play with. After coming from school I had no contact with any man except my father who used to come at night (8pm) so very less convo.. i was attached with my mother from the very childhood and my aunt too. As a 2-3 ye old i wore my sister's clothings at home when she went to school. I had no interest in listening songs or watching movies so I saw what my sister or (girl) cousin saw. I grew up listening and watching girlish songs, daily soaps, playing games which are girlish (like barbie or role play) I used to imitate my female teachers at home by wearing my mother's sandals. I remember wearing makeup 2-3 times and my mom's or sister's cloths 2-3 times. My cousins and friends used to call me girl! I did not like it at all but did not resist it either. I used to dance like girls I have seen on tv on those songs! But I also used to imitate some masculine gods from our mythology. I used to imitate super man. Though I did not specifically liked watching all those movies. But I liked to be a hero saving the world! As I got into puberty my cousin (boy) used to lay me on bed and kiss me on neck and suck my neck ( a love bite I guess) for very long times. I was embarrassed and after 2-3 times I started avoiding him. Then came the point in my life when I used to look at older boys and get attracted to them and stimulate my penis on male fantasies. I avoided looking at bikini girls in movies etc as it was against the values of my family. I did not have much male friends. At school too I took part in sports but due to my effeminate ways I resisted and used to just sit in order to avoid any comment! I had a few sexual fantasies and touching rubbing grabbing with my sister. With a fear of committing incest i resisted sleeping with her! I also had a crush on a girl. I have crushes on guys too. Some days I feel more attracted to guys some days to girls! I am very confused. When I watch porn films, two thoughts continue in my head, when a boy embraces a girl's body parts I imagine him embracing mine and I too imagine my hand going over girl's body. During early adolescence I used to search for naked pictures of male celebrities. And masturbate to them. Sometimes I think I am gay but when other males are actually around me I feel little to no attraction. Only in fantasies I get attracted to them same with females too. With a spectrum of sexualities I am unable to find suitable for me! Plz help





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