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First breath

13 September 2020

It's just after midnight and I've been crying my eyes out for the past hour.

I'm not sure what opened the flood gates but I cant seem to stop.

In the past year I've lost two aunts and I dont think I've let myself cry this whole time.

I'm finally accepting myself for who I am and I'm finally acknowledging the dark place I was in for the past two years.

It's been hard and I've been wearing a happy mask around everyone while I was breaking inside

I tried to kill myself once, I drank 5 painkillers and a glass of my dads whiskey and I hoped I wouldn't wake up.

In hindsight I probably should have drank more otherwise I wouldn't have woken up 18 hours later. Still alive and still broken

I was molested as a child, I've never told anyone this. Maybe that's why I'm scared of forming emotional connections with men. I never even told my mother but typing this out feels like a little bit of relief

I'm still broken and I dont think oll ever be whole l, I dont know if I'll ever have the courage to talk to anyone about any of this but this outlet will have to do for now because I'm scare

I'm absolutely terrified of becoming the girl I used to be I'm petrified that if something happens I'll drown In my own head and I don't think I'll be able to come back from it.

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Re: First breath

It took therapy for me to figure myself out. I’ve saved lives. Why did I always risk myself for others. Because I was the lone survivor once.

I slept with over 200 beautiful women. Why? Starting at 4 I was sexually assaulted. If I let it happen it’s the only time I was treated nicely. So starting at 12 I started sleeping with older females. I couldn’t get close. But the sex was my form of getting love. I’d never been told I was loved or even hugged.

I will not let a woman give me oral sex. Because that’s when I’d be tied down.

I miss my wife holding me. My kids hugs. I hate being alone. Oh well. My health is so poor I probably only have a yr left.

I also tried suicide as a boy. Never tried again. Decided fuck that shit. I get one life. Depression or not I’m going to live it.