Its a weird feeling knowing I'm going to die by my own hands. That is, of course, if nothing takes me out before then haha. I'm waiting for my mom to pass first, and for my little siblings to grow up to be independent and individual enough to where they won't need me, and can cope with having "lost" me. I know it's going to hurt them. And this is selfish I understand that. Ive tried living for them, and I've tried living for myself. I think this state of existence simply isn't for me. My discomfort is endless, the pain, acute. I've had friendship, I've had true love, I've had acceptance, I've had grief. I used to think, "I want to die. But I'll miss the feeling of water on my face, to hear my loved ones laugh, the thought of hoping." But I am okay now, knowing I'll miss out on other experiences. I've had my fill. I have no regrets, nothing holding me here except patience. To my own standards, I've lived a full life. Unlike the elderly waiting for death, I can't just sit around knitting and reminiscing, chatting off an orderlys ears with innocent yet repetitive dialogue. I'm ok cutting my life significantly shorter, I don't want anything more, thank you I've had my share. I'm lucid, I'm rational; I know no one who's truly rational needs to say that they're rational haha but I just wanna give some perspective. This doesn't come from a place of deep hopelessness, a state of mania, or some emotional explosion. Its a conscious decision. I consider this more of euthanasia than suicide. I just don't wanna be here anymore. I'll give up the good, neutrally, to not tolerate the bad. Compromise, right?