My lust is devoted to no one else , no man but Jesus alone in spirit is my savior. I devote my life to him, to his love until my flesh burns of all sins to find a glimpse of his purity. I look at myself naked and m just square and masculine and my boobs are big and just when I am naked I feel a sense of deep shame for being unclothed. For give my uncleanness as I think of the man and ridicule him in my most vulnerable moments. I feel like a whore just even having those mental thoughts and I cleanness of excretion and waste and stuck with thoughts and energy from where there is no escape. The foul smell of the flesh or excrement and just smells and body and flesh is exhausting. The physical is so exhausting and deep sense of Shame how am I to overcome this shame of deep follies that are meant to be hidden . I am tried of hiding with my body. How can I just set myself free. There is anger judgement and anxiety in my bones. I am repressed and filled with them. Forgive me being so lazy but every hardship you give me is reward. Iove you Jesus. Om sai ram. Kriya babaji.. all you higher beings humble me in my flaggy flesh and unworthiness. I am full of of u worthiness maybe that induces my anxiety and I am sorry for all the sins I commit even with passing temptations. Sins of human existence I devote my life to you. I am jealous of people who want my place in some ways but I overcompensate to not offend all who are made in your image. So forgive my intensity and solid silent disdain frustration dislike whatever it is. I am in my head of pain of isolation from my past and it hasn't really changed I have had no good friends for several years now and lack of social interactions and my recent negative experience keep me in a state of distrust over mankind and people around me Jesus. I keep playing all betrayals and persecution in my head all the time and it's painful when my intensity or my own mistakes come in the way of my interactions with others. I am trying constantly and I hope I will find the level of comfort, receptivity and responsibility in a crowd or amongst people. Also I have been jealous of the girl Annette. She was a maid at my home and now she is at the reception..I was so jealous of her for it but my jealousy has passed now and I don't want to exactly wish her well but neither do I wish her bad..I would be happy to see her have more in her life. I am guilty of attacking my jealous aunt while she called. I don't like gossipy people and m trying to defend myself. I am guilty of telepathically communicating to my parents giving them a impression about me even if it goes anywhere. I mean who am I..I confuse myself and what I really want truly. Forgive me for my lies Jesus for the ones I tell subconsciously or however without control with a false sense of saving myself. Forgive me and have mercy on me..show me my true nature so I can work out my mental and emotional follies..and in turn physical moral and spiritual follies as well Forgive me for I wanted to eat some fish but m fasting ..I fasted one meal but forgive me for eating too much rice today. Jesus Christ son of almighty God have mercy on me a sinner .