So I fired my only caregiver today after leaving a caregiving agency that was so bad they were making me sick. I had a caregiver lined up but after two lates and 1 cancellation, along with finding out she really can’t handle more work than she’s got, I had to let her go. My daughter was my caregiver for the first half of the year. But she has as many mental issues as I have just about, I just deal better. Still. My physical problems are rendering me helpless to do much of anything. My daughter told me today that seeing me in so much pain for 6 months has traumatized her so bad that she is thinking of checking into a mental hospital. She says she knows I’m doing the best. Can, and she says I’m a good patient, but she empathizes so much with me that she can’t handle the pain I’m in. She’s all I have. And I hurt her just by being alive. I’m so tired of trying to find a caregiver that will actually work and isn’t an asshole or abuser. I’m sick of being told that Addus is one of the better agencies, with the acknowledgement that all of them suck. I’m sick of people telling me that this hell is just the way the system works. I’m 45 fucking years old! I shouldn’t be begging for help so I can eat or take a bath or wear clean clothes, especially when the state is paying them to actually do work. My daughter has an excuse with her mental problems. 45 or not, no one should have to go through this nightmare. They are the reason for the loss of dignity. I guess when people kill themselves it’s acceptable to society. Who fucking cares about the elderly and disabled. Not doctors, that’s for damn sure. I’ve spent 15 years trying to get help from them with little success. Now they want me to get spinal surgery!! After getting 3 surgeries that made my condition worse, a huge number of prescriptions that made me worse and could no longer take, oh and the time they literally killed me by giving me the wrong medicine and caused brain damage because they couldn’t revive me right away. Then there’s the doctors who held me down, dug out my dead baby against my will and shot me so full of demoral I passed out for 24 hours. Then there’s the ER doctors who held me down after having an infection. They could have relaxed me with drugs, I was I. The ER. They could ha e gotten my consent and encouraged me to just get through it. But no. They tried to do a pelvic exam and because of how many times I’ve been raped I had an issue. So they brought in a whole team of doctors to basically rape me agin. Force a pelvic exam on me while I was screaming “no”. I’m so sick of people who are supposed to care about you not caring and actually doing the opposite. My mom was a psychopath. She’s mostly responsible for how sick I am today. She loaned my sister out to a pedophile for money, tried to sell me to a man when I got older and let a pedophile molest me for years, even though she knew it was happening. She tried to kill me when I was about 8. She tried to kill my sister too. She wants a dead child so bd she can taste it. WhAt else could give her that much attention and sympathy. Oh, and she told me that she was so tempted by the devil to molest me and my sister that she had to move us out of her bed. My nightmares tell me she went through with it. im so fucking tired of fighting. I’ve been suicidal since my childhood. I dot know how I’m even still alive. I spent my entire adult life taking care of my child. She’s so much work, but a wonderful gi. She’s 25 and just moved out of my place. She can’t handle anything. So many metal issues. Som chemical, some genetic, some environmental. High functioning autistic,highly sensitive person, easily traumatized, and that’s both of us. Only I shielded her from most of the horrible shit I’ve had to deal with. But I guess I can’t shield her from my pain. I can only not be around her. That will kill me. I don’t have much reason left to live as it is. I don’t want to die, but maybe I should. Nobody wants me except abusive assholes and now my daughter can’t handle my pain. I just give up. No caregiver. No help. I’m going to die by my hand or the lack of someone else’s. I hate this life. No hope. No light. Only darkness.

So I fired my only caregiver today after leaving a caregiving agency that was so bad they were making me sick.  I had a caregiver lined up but after two lates and 1 cancellation, along with finding out she really can’t handle more work than she’s got, I had to let her go.  My daughter was my caregiver for the first half of the year.  But she has as many mental issues as I have just about, I just deal better.  Still.  My physical problems are rendering me helpless to do much of anything.  My daughter told me today that seeing me in so much pain for 6 months has traumatized her so bad that she is thinking of checking into a mental hospital.  She says she knows I’m doing the best. Can, and she says I’m a good patient, but she empathizes so much with me that she can’t handle the pain I’m in.  She’s all I have.  And I hurt her just by being alive.  I’m so tired of trying to find a caregiver that will actually work and isn’t an asshole or abuser.  I’m sick of being told that Addus is one of the better agencies, with the acknowledgement that all of them suck.  I’m sick of people telling me that this hell is just the way the system works.  I’m 45 fucking years old!  I shouldn’t be begging for help so I can eat or take a bath or wear clean clothes, especially when the state is paying them to actually do work.  My daughter has an excuse with her mental problems.  45 or not, no one should have to go through this nightmare.  They are the reason for the loss of dignity.  I guess when people kill themselves it’s acceptable to society. Who fucking cares about the elderly and disabled.  Not doctors, that’s for damn sure.  I’ve spent 15 years trying to get help from them with little success.  Now they want me to get spinal surgery!!  After getting 3 surgeries that made my condition worse, a huge number of prescriptions that made me worse and could no longer take, oh and the time they literally killed me by giving me the wrong medicine and caused brain damage because they couldn’t revive me right away.  Then there’s the doctors who held me down, dug out my dead baby against my will and shot me so full of demoral I passed out for 24 hours.  Then there’s the ER doctors who held me down after having an infection.  They could have relaxed me with drugs, I was I. The ER.  They could ha e gotten my consent and encouraged me to just get through it.  But no.  They tried to do a pelvic exam and because of how many times I’ve been raped I had an issue.  So they brought in a whole team of doctors to basically rape me agin.  Force a pelvic exam on me while I was screaming “no”. I’m so sick of people who are supposed to care about you not caring and actually doing the opposite.  My mom was a psychopath.  She’s mostly responsible for how sick I am today.  She loaned my sister out to a pedophile for money, tried to sell me to a man when I got older and let a pedophile molest me for years, even though she knew it was happening.  She tried to kill me when I was about 8.  She tried to kill my sister too.  She wants a dead child so bd she can taste it.  WhAt else could give her that much attention and sympathy.  Oh, and she told me that she was so tempted by the devil to molest me and my sister that she had to move us out of her bed.  My nightmares tell me she went through with it.  im so fucking tired of fighting.  I’ve been suicidal since my childhood.  I dot know how I’m even still alive.  I spent my entire adult life taking care of my child.  She’s so much work, but a wonderful gi.  She’s 25 and just moved out of my place.  She can’t handle anything.  So many metal issues.  Som chemical, some genetic, some environmental.  High functioning autistic,highly sensitive person, easily traumatized, and that’s both of us.  Only I shielded her from most of the horrible shit I’ve had to deal with.  But I guess I can’t shield her from my pain.  I can only not be around her.  That will kill me.  I don’t have much reason left to live as it is.  I don’t want to die, but maybe I should.  Nobody wants me except abusive assholes and now my daughter can’t handle my pain.  I just give up.  No caregiver.  No help.  I’m going to die by my hand or the lack of someone else’s.  I hate this life. No hope. No light.  Only darkness.  