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Fucked up kink

TRIGGER WARNING


Basically, inflicting and feeling pain turns me on. Especially blood and cutting.

This most likely started due to my history with self harm.

Not only do i like inflicting physical pain but also emotional pain.

I know that the way I treated two of my ex's classifies as emotional abuse.

I love it when people feel pain because of me. I also love feeling pain.

I have a need for feeling wanted, and dependent on. I need power over others. I love knowing that i have the ability to tear someone apart.

Im not sure when all of this got intertwined with my sexual turn on's, but it did.


And I know all of this isnt normal. At all.

I have self control to a certain degree, id never hurt someone I care about or respect. But I could.




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Re: Fucked up kink

I wonder about myself. A beautiful well built woman assaulted me as a boy. So did another with an even better body.

My ex wife got real thin. She’s sick. I’m trying to look at pics of thin women. It’s wrong; but they always grossed me out. I’m trying to reprogram my brain. My ex was built like Scarlet Johansson. I’m trying learn to find women with smaller breasts & waists attractive.

I think all those yrs of sex assault molded me.

Also blow jobs. I was forced to endure oral sex from age 4 thru high school. I have this secret desire for one. It makes me hard but also makes me scared & want to throw up. I’ve tried to ask two therapists about that but they want to avoid answering.

I think it’s because at 11 I started getting erections. My thing is gigantic. To protect the smaller kids I’d act like I liked it. I’d smile. Even cum eventually & theyd swallow. I guess that’s the combination of both excitement; fear, & disgust.

By the way. I’ve never let any woman do that to me since. I never will. I had sex with a lot of women; but never that.

I actually grew out of this problem, it took a little over a year and I still struggle with it sometimes.

I used to want to bite during sex hard enough to draw blood, or purposely draw blood with a blade.

I also have issues with self harm, for about six years now.

I haven't cut for 3 months now and I rarely bite in bed. I think what helped me was finding a supportive partner that helped redefine and set my sexual boundaries and interests.

While my fucked up kink isn't biting, it is rape/sexual assault. I fucking hate it. You see it a lot in Japanese porn and it's something that's turned me on for some reason.


I'm not one to remember dreams, but I remember this one of my grandma's boyfriend: In the dream, I was around 6-7, but I was 18 irl at the time. I remember him touching me and feeling up my body in the back bedroom. The last time I saw him at my uncle's funeral back in 2014 and I got this really creepy vibe from him. He was accused of pedophilia about 6-7 years ago but that was dismissed. Not sure if that has anything to do with it or what.

The fact that you acknowledge that kink, and the fact that you don't really want to hurt others is my point here. Believe it or not, you are not alone in this kink, and this is not the first time I am replying to something like this here. And if you are fucked up, then so am I and countless others. We are what others call sexual deviants, we like things other people find odd. You said it gives you power, I get it. It gives someone a sense of control I guess. Your reasons for liking that kink is yours alone. The fact that you said that you don't want to hurt others, and that you think it is fucked up, shows that you are aware, which is a good thing. We promote safe Sane Consensual! Yes it may be edging fucked up I guess, but as long as you are not really hurting others, you trust the one you will do this kink with, and if there real consent. Then you are good to go, I hope this helps.


-Meira