November 2020, 27 years old and still feeling like a pathetic little fat ugly girl. Pregnant with 4th child, an absolutely shit mum, clearly a shit partner since whatever I do or say is taken wrong or is generally wrong. No matter how hard I try I still fail at everything, some days I genuinely don’t know why I even bother trying. Right now? Probably a mixture of pregnancy hormones and general anxiety flaring up plus someone having have too many beers her AGAIN and taking everything the wrong way, indirectly making me feel even worse about myself. Stomping around the house shutting doors loudly I must have done something wrong but no idea what. Everything I say is taken wrong. Am I happy? Most of the time I’d like to say yes but times like this definitely no, I just see darkness and tears. I’m a failure as a mum why on earth am I having another. It’s comes to something when you spend a Friday night sitting in the dark talking to yourself over notes whilst crying your eyes out because nobody gives a shit or can understand. Can’t talk to anyone without them taking crap the wrong way. Worst Friday the 13th ever. Feeling completely overwhelmed, broken, black. Why is everything I say or so taken wrong. I don’t even know what I’ve done wrong. Why have I been made to feel like absolute shit like I e done something when I haven’t. Sitting crying crying crying. I have a baby growing in my stomach and yet nothing matters. I guess why should I matter? I’m clearly a pathetic waste of space. Made on so many occasions to just feel like I’m shit, this wouldn’t happen for no reason so it must be true. I’ll probably go up to bed soon and my partner still won’t be talking to me because of something I seemed to have done that I’m clueless about. I’ll face the other way and probably silently cry myself to sleep and hope things are brighter in the morning. Sometimes I wish I would never wake up but I can’t leave my children without a mum they seem to love me even though I’m useless. They’re one of the main things that make me smile. Unconditional love. Why can’t all love be like that. I know I’m rambling on just generally writing my thoughts as they come into my head.