I fucked up. My fears and insecurities fucked me up and people got hurt because of it. Let me back up. I have endured a lot of trauma over the last few years that I’m not going to go into detail about but I will say I have diagnosed ptsd anxiety and depression. Last year we were going through a big life event which was causing a lot of triggers for my ptsd as well as a lot of anxiety and panic attacks. So I got into online gaming to escape from the real world. However, I’m terrified of some stranger knowing who I am. I have a lot to protect in my life. But at the same time I enjoyed the companionship and wanted to feel real. So I decided to create an online identity. It made sense at the time. But of course the longer I played the more it turned into a lie. I started feeling guilty about it but was more afraid to come clean at that point because I still had my fear of someone finding me or my family. It got so much worse when this virus caused a lot more anxiety and I started feeling like everyone was lying about themselves. Well I got careless and I think it was my subconscious just wanting to be done with it. So all of my “friends” figured out I was not who I said I was. I totally understand them for feeling the way they do, I just never got a chance to explain and even if I did I don’t think anyone would really get it. I know I was in the wrong and I feel truly bad about it. But I was not doing it to gain anything except friendship. I never asked for anything from anyone. No money, no special treatment, nothing. I just wanted to feel real with out anyone knowing who I really was. So it’s all done now. I decided I just can’t do that kind of gaming with my mental health issues. I just want to be me and be with the real people in my life who I can trust. So I don’t know, I feel bad but I also feel relieved. I’m sorry to the people I hurt. I am not a bad person, I’ve just made some bad decisions. Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Re: Getting it off my Chest
Hi! The beginning of cure I guess for any illness is acceptance. It is good to know that you know and accepted the wrong doings that you have done. Well as long as we live it is not yet the end for everything. People need love and acceptance. But we need to love and accept ourselves first in order to live life. Being true is the best thing that we could do to ourselves and hoping that eventually without pretending, people will accept the good with the bad. There are still people who will understand you just be truthful to them. For the truth will set us free from anything that is holding us back. Fight you psd and anxiety you can do it. Ask God for help and He will never fails. Just know that whatever happens God loves you and he can be your true friend and He will never leave nor forsake you. God bless!
From a willing stranger to be your friend!