I’m very sick. Have no $. My son called me crying. So I’m having myself driven to another state. I’m too dizzy to drive. My eyes won’t focus. I can barely type. Keep passing out & throwing up. They may want to admit me. I can’t afford that. I’m at a dilemma. I must pay to help my son & ex. But if she dies & I die, who cares for them. This would have worked better had she not went in debt when I got sick. I paid off s house. She sold it. Now she divorced me. I’m not there to hold her hand. But she won’t know If it’s bad news. She keeps calling them & they won’t tell her. I won’t let them. I want her to heal. She can’t do that if knows truth. That’s why I pretend I’m fine when I visit. If I die they will harvest my organs to help others. I’ll just be gone. I’d like to leave better. But she chose to divorce. I fought it. She should never have listened to her often divorced mom & some divorced woman in Church. What do divorced people know of love? They didn’t pull it off. Why do you take marriage advice from someone who failed at marriage. Her mom failed at marriage a lot of times. Same for her sister. All they know is how not to stay married. If your on marriage number 3 it might be you who needs to change. Her sister is on number hard to tell. She could marry Tim Tebow or the Pope & she’d be trying to divorce him & calling him a bum. I think that’s why her mom tracked me down. She’s a selfish a$$. I think she realizes her daughter may die. She manipulated the divorce to get her in her house cleaning & cooking daily. Now she realizes her daughter may die. Her other kids hate her for crap like this. His kids hate him for crap like this. Her daughter is dying of a broken heart. I didn’t break it. The mom did. So talking to me is useless you a$$. You let your daughter be hurt as a child & did nothing. Threw her out. I fixed her. Made her strong. Then you moved next door to get an unpaid servant. Ran me off because I interfered. Now your daughters dying because she won’t eat. You have the weird hold on her. You used the preacher & Church to help push your religious daughter to this. You go fix it. She doesn’t listen to me anymore. You Fn a$$. I should slap you, but I don’t hit women. I get so mad. My woman is so sick. Makes me mad. But in fairness. I didn’t do all I could either. I couldn’t find a way to undo all the stress her mom caused. I tried. I stood up to her. But that didn’t work. My daughter said dad. Do more for mom. No. I did less & less. I was trying to get her to see. Her own home & children should have come first. Not her mom. If she had time to clean her moms house. She had time to clean her own. Her mom is not royalty. They are full of crap. They own an older condo. Drive a cheap eco car. They do have retirements. But her mom acts like she’s the queen & must be waited on. Well hire a maid then. Don’t chit on your daughter. It’s sad. But my ex would say she’s my mom. The Preacher told me it’s my responsibility. Uh huh. The same preacher who convinced your mom to will $ to them not you. The same preacher who says gays goto hell. Well in the Bible it says if a parent forsakes you then they are not your parent. She kicked you out when you were a kid. Look what she’s done to your life. The man who fought other men to protect you in college is gone. Your son can’t walk. Your other son is crying. Your daughter moved out I allowed it because it was best for her. You may die. You don’t know it but I may be dying. I can’t even drive myself to the hospital. All of that because your mom wants you to live beside her & cater to her every need. The same woman who refused to help her parents. Remember? I was working massive hours. We had kids. I wax driving us down there to look out for them because they refused to move here. I made them some rooms. They wouldn’t come. I found them some homes near us. I would move them myself. No. So we did what we could for them. She was retired. Living in the beach. Couldn’t be bothered. Then here she is wanting us to cater to her. I don’t mind. But she needs to let our children succeed. I would have always took care of her. But she messed with my kids futures & you let her. I told my family to F off. You & my kids came before them. Why can’t you see that? Why are you going to die for her? You are going to leave me here on earth without you because you can’t love yourself enough to tell your mom to pi$$ off. It’s not like she will run away. She’s old. Tell her who’s boss. If she wants your help you will. But you have to sleep. Your kids need you too. I kept telling you what to do. But you put her ahead of everyone. Now you are so tiny it breaks my heart. I want to fucking scream. But someone has to act like the adult. Well I’m going to crawl in the floor & go get ready to be driven to the hospital. The last time I got this bad I barely lived. So this may be it for me. I swore I’d never go back. I have no $. But my son cried. So I have to try. In fairness her mom can’t help being an a$$. She has bipolar. I hurt her feelings when I stopped hugging her. I shut out the world because I finally thought my dad would love me. I left the hospital after a transplant. A call. Your dad’s dying. He wants to see you. I’d been waiting my whole life to hear he loved me. To get one hug. I thanked God. Filled with joy. Drove up with my babies. They hugged him. Said we love you grandpa. He threatened to kill them. All of that shit because we have blond hair & blue eyes. He was hoping you’d look Spanish like him. He wanted to kill you for looking like Scandinavians. How ducked up is that. He would kill his own grandchildren for looking too white. So I went home & shut down. I wouldn’t talk to anyone. Wouldn’t do anything. Couldn’t respond. I was overwhelmed. Still had a blood bag in my side. I was in shock. He almost killed my babies & my love because I wanted a hug. Because I wanted to feel acknowledged. So I said F that. I’m not doing that anymore. So then your mom yells at me. I’m tired of people treating me like chit just because I’m autistic. I’m a person too. So I tell her to stay out of my business. It’s my son. So I’m banned from her house. Fine. I’m not going to be treated like that anymore. But my deciding that I suddenly should matter to people led to all of this. You are so weak it breaks my heart. My soul mate can barely walk. My autistic baby can barely walk. I gave all I had left to try to heal them. My youngest is crying. My daughter moved out. I’m laying in a floor & can’t even drive a damn car because I had to have one hug. Why couldn’t I just be a man & keep being humble. But when the next one died I didn’t go did I. I hardened myself. He had hurt me very badly. I was not going to go honor him. I prayed for him. I forgave him. But I was not going to go put myself thru that anymore. You said God wanted me too. Maybe he did. But I used to go days without food. He’d set & eat in front of me as I starved. I wasn’t going to go put myself thru anymore. I couldn’t handle anymore. I may look like a super hero. But inside I’m just a little boy. If I could have only held it together my family would not be shattering. I hate myself for failing. But I always keep fighting. For I am Thor. That’s what I do. I hate hospitals. I don’t like to be touched or seen nude. I hate blood. When my daddy tried to kill me my blood wouldn’t stop coming out. I shared my inner soul with you because you little babies are hurting too. If you don’t learn to fight for yourself. To love yourself. To put yourself & those you love first. This world will destroy you. I almost died by my own hand as a little boy because my parents didn’t love me. Well fuck them. God loves me. I’m going to the hospital. I’m going to try to keep this broken body alive. Not for me. But because I love others. If I don’t make it back. Which is my fear. They will find something terrible Iike they always seem to do. I’ll be stuck in a bed. I hate being tied up. Hate it when I can’t get away. I know when I go in I may never come out. But my babies need me. So I must face my fears. It’s funny. I could beat the heck out of anyone in a short fight even now. My body would go into survival mode. But I’m afraid to go be touched while I’m nude. That’s why a lot of you are afraid & want to hurt yourself too isn’t it? You’ve been hurt in some way. Rape. Hearing parents yell. Being ignored. Laughed at. Left out. Being gay. Fat. Ugly. They say stuff to make us feel bad. Well F them. We’re important too. We deserve to live too. I stopped hurting myself because I realized that. The worst thing I did lately was go let myself be hurt again. I should have stayed away. I endangered my own children because I hoped he’d changed. He hadnt been that crazy since I was little. Oh well. Can’t fix the past. Can only move forward. Well I must leave. Out of time. Maybe I’ll text on the drive. But never kill your self to stop the pain. The pain let’s you know your alive. There’s a purpose for every life. If nothing else, try to help someone else. On my way to work one day I found a panicked woman. I’m a big strong man. Everyone else just drove by. I stopped to see what was wrong. I took her three children & her home. That’s why she was panicked. No one else cared enough to stop. Stopping can be dangerous. But we can all pull over somewhere safe. Call the cops. Let them go help the person. If we all care about others things are much better. This world only gets bad if we let it.