I'm in the process of losing my father. He suffered from a heart attacked a month and a half ago, it caused severe damage and he's is declared to be in a vegetative state. He also suffered from advance parkinson, so there wasn't much hope to him carrying out his life any longer. I've been preparing for his death, all my life. He's about 52 years older than I am. It was tough as a kid. My family and I moved to the states with barely any money to get by, and on top of it all they are very traditional in their ways. I grew up with extremely strict parents, mental health was fake, and anything that I do (that can cause any shame) is frowned upon. Not only that, but i also grew up witnessing poverty first hand. From seeing 60 years old mother working 12 hours for $30 to seeing my brother's youth get taken away from him at a young age from the amount of responsibility that he had to carry. It was tough. Through it all, I learned to toughen up, I learned to depend on myself and no one else. I learned to "suck it up" and "nothing is really that bad because someone always have it worst." I guess somewhere along the lines, it turned into a toxic habit of daily negative thinking about how I am not enough, and that if I be better at school, or work, or do anything that pleases my family, it would mean that I am worthy to be here on this earth. I got tired of that really fast though. In highschool, I was extremely depressed and I didn't know how to deal with this but to suck it up. I was angry at my parents, my partner, my friends, and anyone that came into my life. I wanted help, but I knew it is frowned upon if I ask for it. So I stayed quiet. College was a rollercoaster of emotions. I broke up with my ex, went through an identity crisis, and literally drank and partied my way through. Coming from this background, and having to struggle so much with my identity, and finding my worth has been nothing compared to how I feel about the loss of my father. The only man I ever really loved. It's a weird feeling to lose a family member when there's only 4 people in a family, i guess. I've always been much closer to my father than my mom. Not saying that I won't be sad if I lose my mom, cause my god, i'll be torn apart. But, my dad was dying mentally so I prepared for that. i told myself this day was going to come, however, when it is here..all i can do is try to make it through today, and the next, and the next. If you made it to this point, thank you for reading. I wrote this after a mental breakdown, so i'm sorry if it doesn't make sense. But, i guess cherish your loved ones, no matter how hard it is. I never fully understood that till I got a phone call while I was shopping at Ulta that my father turned pale, and he is unresponsive.