Everyday is the same, or feels the same rather. Even when i do something different i feel nothing. Everything i’ve ever worked for feels like it is nothing. i’ve become lost in my own thoughts. i’ve ruined friendships and hurt people, all for different reasons but all the reasons ultimately go back to me not knowing what to do. i don’t know how to deal with my emotions. it’s been years and years since my father took his life and it’s only gotten worse. every chance at happiness i got i have ruined wether it be because i felt i didn’t deserve it or because i was just a fool. i had someone who gave me affection and attention and i never received such before and i took it for granted and went too far. i kept trying to get their attention and ultimately hurt them. we constantly got into fights. blocked and unblocked one another. why did she ever forgive me. i live everyday wondering why i am here. what purpose do i serve. truth be told, i don’t believe i was born to be happy. even recently when i came so close. i tried so hard to become truly happy, i never tried so hard at something before, it didn’t work. and i become frustrated, angry at myself. almost everyday i wonder when i’ll snap. when i’ll get that impulsive decision i swore i would never do. even recently someone who showed true care for me, like they wanted nothing more then to see me happy, i pushed them away and hurt them too. i seem to only hurt. even my closest friends. i fear being alone though i feel that is the path i lay for myself. every night i dream was being alone and it makes me not want to sleep. i am my own worst nightmare. i wanted to become one who helps people. i wanted to be a hero. ever since i was a young boy i wanted to be a knight and save people. i’m only 17 and i feel my time is running out. all i want is to be happy and feel affection in it’s more pure form. perhaps i only have myself to fault. i value others over myself and would sacrifice all i have worked for just to make one person happy even for a few moments. i don’t want anyone to feel how i feel and i want to make up for the people i’ve hurt. i have many wants, yet i don’t believe any of them to be too far fetched. i want to have a family, i want to be a good father and be the father i never had. i want to held by someone who truly loves me so i can cry in their arms. so for once i can cry and feel safe. i don’t want money or fame. i just want to smile. why have i forsaken myself. everything that has happened is my own fault, even though i try so hard to right my wrongs. i try so hard to become happy. i try and i try. but all i do is eventually hurt those who seem to care and i don’t know why. i don’t try to. have i truly become a monster?