He was new. He was different. He was made of just the right things.
I could see it in his eyes and I felt it in my chest. I would objectify him in the office everytime he wore shorts and showed some skin. I would notice everytime he wore anything different from his usual jeans and v-neck top. I just wanted to make him smile. I still just want to make him smile. He deserves all the smiles in the world. All the smiles that come from the heart.
I don't make him smile anymore, at least not from the heart. When he does it's never without all the pain I've caused him, all the pain his experienced from his past that I reopened.
I see it in his eyes that he wants to leave. He just wants to leave. I've seen it for mooonths now and honestly it just kept breaking me down. I used to love how expressive his eyes were but they've slowly become empty. He wants to leave but he can't so he wants me to do it. He pushes me to do it. But I can't leave either. I'm always leaving, ALWAYS leaving and never fighting. I want to fight for what I want. To stay and do the hard work that brings 2 people back together. I think I'm not made of the right stuff to do that so it has the opposite effect.
I want to fight because he was different, he is different. Why would I want to actually leave.
How do you leave someone that you're clearly bringing more pain than happiness but it will break you both? How do you leave someone for them?
Is this what I really bring into peoples lives other than the joy that my mother named me?