I broke up with my boyfriend. He told me he was having a crush for another girl. That she was interesting, that he couldnt stop talking to her. He told me he spend the night talking with her at the beach. I gave it a chance but he didn't do anything. Didn't sacrifice anything. I felt humiliated and alone while he just acted like everything was fine.I didn't break up the relationship out of rage or revenge.I broke it off because I knew he didn't love me.I knew he didn't love me or care for me. I knew he pursued attention from other girls. He preferred listening to other girls, getting numbers and above all he never said anything to a girl about having a girlfriend if he was romantically interested in her. He asked me not say I love you so much. To not touch him in public. He would get annoyed if I made future plans with him. He used to tell me how I had bad taste, how I didn't listen, how it was always my way and how I was needy. I heard everything and everyday for a year and a half I tried to be better to fix all of that. Nothing i did was enough. I was too emotional to be fun or take care of myself. This happened after losing my virginity to him. I got jealous about the time and insecure about my body. I couldn't handle the unprotected sex. I tried to talk to him about condoms but he would say it tempted him to have sex. So I took it upon myself to have contraception. He wouldn't touch me if we werent making love so everyday I would be intimate with him. I became needy of his touch. I had to be touched by him to not feel like he rejected him. I think it made me feel loved. But I knew, making love is all we did, I felt to anxious to be myself. He had so many criticisms I didn't know what to fix about myself first. I was being boring, needy and too much to handle. While trying to figure out how to be better. I couldn't stop myself, I tried to explain myself but It would always come out as manipulation or accusing him. I felt out of control and I didn't have the guts to leave him. I convinced myself that I was being paranoid. That my severe anxiety was getting the best of me. So I started defending him. Always saying how great he was and never talking about how bad I felt. Eventually, i just asked about his needs, feelings and wants. Did all I thought he wanted. Read anything he gave me, listen to anything he recomended. Anything and everything I did was wrong. I didn't want to learn his password for his cellphone, he would be mad that I didn't want to learn it. I would tell him to go out with his friends he would get mad that I didn't join him.Eventually, I felt more rejected each day.That made me resentful and I started to treat him like he did. I started acting cold and insisted in staying home. I stopped caring to fix or help the relationship. I abandoned it. I lost the impulse to make love, I felt so rejected I didn't feel desirable. So, I would stop half way not on purpose but because I wanted to cry. I felt he didn't love me and I couldn't handle being intimate with someone who didn't even like me.I feel that, it gave him the excuse he needed. To cheat. To look for someone new. He would always act one way in front of people making me look like I was the worst and he was trying to be understanding but once we were alone. He wouldn't even talk to me, look at me, even if I tried to make a conversation he would answer in short sentences. In our relationship he changed four times. Each time worse than before and with each change I became more desperate for his love. Everything moved too fast, I remember telling him I wasn't ready for a relationship that I was thinking maybe a friendship could be first. He refused, he convinced me he would be there to help me. I explained I was finishing my therapy and that i was already insecure. That i was worried about those flaws. I told him i was worried that he seemed focused on me being "cured" and better. Than the actualky me who was a mess. I don't think he knew the severity of my anxiety and insecurities. I had no idea that losing my virginity would make me react the way I did and I didn't expect him to turn into a womanizer because he couldn't say no or confront the problems. We had a very fucked up relationship. And in this space I really really wish to never be in that relationship again. I hope I never let something conquer me so much. I hope I never lose myself to the point of not being able to be myself and laugh. I hope I never let convince myself of being ready when I'm clearly not. And above all I hope that I never be with someone who makes me feel so insignificant again.