When i was little (5-6 y.o), i would always dress like a boy , act like a boy play with the boys ( i am a girl). I loved wearing ties , playing football , fight and being called dad's boy ( ironically by some relatives). I even had a crush on a girl in my class. My parents thought it was just a phase and i will turn "normal" when i get older.In 6th grade i realised that i have to conform to society's norms , dress girly , wear makeup , date boys and i didn't want to disappoint my parents, so i started to dress nicely , have my first relationship etc. but in my soul i knew i am in the wrong body. For some years i forgot about this thought until i got a long term relationship. I didnt know but my actions , the way i talk, the way i make jokes , the way i walk were kind of masculine , so my boyfriend told me to be more girly , soft , naive. That's when i realized how much i hate to be a girl and this body. I hate feminine pronouns or when people treat me like i am made of glass. When i am with him , i hate myself more bc he treats me like a girl. He is literally perfect but i don't know what to do about this feeling, not fitting in my gender. I wish i could change this. I have come to the conclusion that every time i see a boy and i keep staring and admire him , it's not that i find him attractive , it's that i am jealous on him and i wish i could look like that . I am jealous on my boyfriend too( i dont want to but i cant control it ) when he spends time with my dad and it hurts to know that i will never experience this father-son bond. My family is homophobic and hates transgendered people. When i stay home alone , i dress like a man and stay in front of the mirror for hours regretting not being what i feel like. My whole family, dad mom grandpa , moms uncle , wanted me to be a boy. At the moment i dont have money and possibility to take testosterone.
This thoughts make me depressed and sad all the time and i kept this feeling for more than 10 years. Now its haunting me. I dont know why now! I dont know what to do, please help
i hope this confession will make me feel better :((