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Help

I’ve come to realize that the only people who truly care about you are simply this. Just yourself. My whole life I’ve avoided the truth and avoided myself because I wanted to be loved because Lord knows I didn’t love myself. By doing so I’ve experienced life in the worst way- living for others not myself. I have thrown myself in the the bottomless pit of nothingness and I am empty. My friends left me. To do the one this I wanted they left me. The boy I love- who I’ve loved forever I’m starting to resent because he’s starting to love me after I’ve given my all. I’m starting to fade away. But not just from him. I... let me repeat. I’m fading away. I feel nothing anymore expect for numbness and sadness. But that’s how I know I’m alive. I don’t want to be alive but I don’t want to kill myself I kinda just hope every day something bad happens to me so I can die. And just end it all. but at the same time I don’t want that. So please tell me how to do it. How do I be happy and how do I share that without overdoing it. I am in debt. Going to be homeless. And going to rot away into skin and bones because I can’t eat. Anxiety consumes me for honestly no reason yet so does laziness. I’m tired all the time for no reason. I have no motivation, I have no drive, I have no will, I have nothing but emptiness.