These past few months I've been feeling extremely sad, more than ever in my entire life. suicide is always on my mind, I'm always thinking of scenarios in my head where I've finally killed myself or a family member, or thinking of the most painless ways to die. I cannot ever sit in silence because my head is just too loud, thinking of all the unfortunate events replaying in my head, weather it's my dad raping me when I was a child, my mother beating me up every day or my older sister beating me up occasionally too who was also abused by our parents. Whenever I zone out I can't snap back into reality easily, so when I do someone has to come and get me. Recently me, my mom and sister had moved to cornwall ontario, and started going to school. So, I was kind of excited that maybe I could actually have a friend I could talk to and maybe I wouldn't feel like this anymore. So, before school I daydreamed so many scenarios where I would meet someone, and we would always hang out and have fun. But with the whole pandemic happening a lot of the students were taking online classes, and those who weren't, didn't even try talking to me. So I thought maybe I should try taking the first step. But there was no right timing, and if I did say something they would not hear me or just ignore me, but when they don't ignore me and talk back, the conversation never goes anywhere. So, I really can't do this anymore. I tell my sister all this but she just thinks that I'm not trying hard enough, but I try my very best everyday to get along with them! Its just so hard, I always fantasize myself talking and getting along with everyone in class, but in reality never happens, so the crushing disappointment is just too much to handle. But recently I've found a coping mechanism, and it's watching the series "The Office". Often time when I wold watch the show I would just feel so much better and all my worries would just drift away. But recently, the show got a little weird so I stopped watching it. But then how would I cope with everything, so I tried watching it again, but it wasn't the same anymore, it didn't make me feel better. So these days I've been feeling extremely bad. Everyday I feel like shit, and I can't do anything to make me feel better, I feel like there's a hole inside my throat and stomach, I get really nauseous, and my head feels like static. I really don't wanna feel like this anymore, I wish I could go to therapy, but I can't ask my mom because I know she can't pay for that, I mean she can barely pay for food, all the money she has is borrowed money from other people. I really don't know what to do anymore.