i feel like i don't belong in my body and i have no control over the decisions i make in my life. ive been broken up with someone for a while now and im just now realizing how horrible they were to me. i was sexually harassed, coerced into having sex when i didn't feel like it, apparently had sex while i was blacked out. even after our break up, i was hooking up with him and allowed myself to be lead on so that i could feel his "love" again because during our whole relationship, i thought sex was how we showed each other love. i know i was naive and stupid, but the damage has been done. he kept me around as his fwb until he knew he was guaranteed another girl to fuck on the regular. again, i know im dumb, but thats finally where i draw the line, thats the so-called situation of sexual betrayal i need help with. its hard for me to know that he was doing this act of intimacy (or "love") with someone else, especially after deceiving me into thinking we were getting back together.
ive been trying to process everything and i feel very overwhelmed. i dont even know how to connect the situation to how im feeling properly. but i feel disgusted with myself if i feel the slightest bit aroused. i feel uncomfortable if my legs are even open. i cant look at my naked body straight out of the shower. i dont want to feel any sensation on my entire body. everything i do relating to my body or my senses and sensuality and sexuality fills me with immense shame and guilt. ive minimized interaction and talking to people, i wear clothes that cover my entire body, i cant even look at myself. i dont know how to heal from this. it hurts so bad and i cant stand feeling like this in my own body anymore. i feel like this body is not mine. i feel like i dont have any power over it. i feel like i have no power in general. i dont know what to do.
and even after all this, i know i shouldnt still have "love" for him, but i do. i dont want to love this narcissist. he has betrayed me more times than i can count, has invaded so many of my boundaries, and has left me traumatized. he has fucked me up so much and i just want to get past this. i want to stop being so sad over him because he never deserved me. i want my life back. please help me.