Time Spent- 12m 12s
14 Visitors

Hes gone and hes not coming back..

Im married with two children. My husband hates this man. The relationship we had together. There was a breaking point in my relationship with my husband before he knew who this man is. So I planned on meeting up with him for drinks and sex-- This man was my ex boyfriend. He was the man I lost my virginity to and even after that time together we always kept in touch. He was friends with my brother. Our moms knew each other. I never knew how much I loved this man beyond those days together. I cut all ties with this man when my husband and I decided to try and salvage our relatio ship together. Yesterday I discovered Pat was in a bad car accident. He fell into a coma, got pneumonia, and fluid filled his lungs. And suddenly I regret everything I didnt say. I regret not choosing him from the beginning. I regret not trying to further a future because I was embarrassed. I regret not telling him that I will always love him. I regret cutting him out of my life. He was married with a child but he still tried to take me out for drinks. I know he always loved me but I never let him know how much I loved him back. And now hes gone. I keep checking Facebook thinking its not real. Expecting some kind of sick joke or for a strange phone call saying hes alove but hiding or something wild that youd only see on t.v.. Im talking to God asking, hoping, Pat can see me. Hear me. That he can leave me some kind of message. A visit in my dream or a song on the radio. Maybe an old picture showing up randomly. The hardest part for me is that I cant talk to my husband about how heart broken I am that Pat is gone. A hope in my soul that I once had is broken and I cant help but wish I chose him.. I just want one more memory with him. To feel his warm skin and strong arms draped around my body. But he's gone and he is never coming back. My heart selfishly hurts for the possibilities of us ever being together in the end. He was my person. He was the right person. But we met at the wrong time in our lives. I was 15 and he had his own life struggled at 17. I wish time could freeze, and I could go back and change my decision 11 years ago. But I dont tell anyone because this is so selfish. His wife is probably overwhelmed with agonizing heart break, fear, worry.. His mom, his sister, his family are mourning this unexpected horrifying loss. And I fear that id I reach out it might cause some kind of problems bc who am I? An unwanted burden in their time of grief and sorrow. So I cry when Im alone, pray to God and talk like Pat can hear me even though the first people he sits and watches over In sure are his son and his wife. His family. The people that gave him the love he deserved.