I don't really know where to start but ig imma just begin on how i feel. I don't know how to open up and express my feelings. Let's say that I am the 'not showy' type of a person. I don't have the fuckin' confidence to start up a conversation or to reply to some random strangers without stuttering. Ever since a child, i don't really have that dream job. I am easily influenced. Grade six when my mom were keep talking abt how good being a reporter was so, being the dreamless girl i am i set my mind that maybe i'll take that job. Middle school, when i was into kdramas and i was just mesmerized how cool it was to be a doctor. I really like science (not the solvings tho) and how i imagined myself saying 'scalpel' like those scenes i watched. I like the feeling of discovering what's inside our body, to be able to feel them and understand it. With the K-12 system, i was forced to decide hastily the strand that i'll be taking that should be related to your college course. Summer, incoming grade 11, my mom just talk abt how successful her former classmates were. How they became a millionare, a branch manager, junior manager, that guy who's at the cruise. YOU SEE, I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT I SHOULD TAKE THAT TIME. I DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING IDEA HOW I SEE MYSELF FIVE OR TEN YEARS FROM NOW. I do have a subject that i am interested on BUT i'm afraid to tell them because I already know it. Studying for a doctor is hella expensive. Growing up, 'Studying med are only for rich people because they are the only one who can afford it', I used to hear that everytime. It was instilled in mah mind that i am just from a lucky family who happens to afford to feed ourselves three times a day. I should be glad for that. THAT'S WHY I didn' t really pushed the idea of becoming a doctor but ofc the passion(?) inside me grows. I know I had to, i have to. I lowkey hinted that i wanted to become one, acting foolishly while reenacting those surgery scenes. She just brushed it off telling me that it's only for those ppl who read thick books since they were kids. I was like okay, it's going to be fine. Next thing I knew, I was enrolled in ABM strand. She kept telling me that 'you'll just try it, if it fails then you just have to change course but i know that you can do it'. I passed the 11th grade, falling out of the first place in the process (i was a consistent first honor). I didn't feel bad abt it. In fact, I was happy. Maybe my rebellious side were showing. I just can't really stand to see myself computing numbers of someone's company. Seeing those numbers makes me really don't want to think. That's when I knew that my dreams of being a doctor weren't just for some shit shows.
To say the least, I can't bring myself to have a serious one-on-one talk with my parents. I'm an incoming grade 12 and it's just a few months before college. I AM SO SCARED thinking that after this year i'll be facing to prepare myself for the real world, for MY future. I want to this out with my mom so bad but i can't.. I fucking can't speak up without crying and stuttering.
How do i tell this them?