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Hi. I don't really know what I'm doing

Honestly I don't even care if this isn't a safe place. I'm just tired of lying to people. These depressants were supposed to make thoughts F off yet here I am crying and struggling to find motivation to do anything. I keep going back to when I tried to commit suicide because I keep getting sent videos of things. My friends going through something so I'm trying so hard to help her but sometimes these videos she can send can really trigger people. Fhfjjfjdndmdkxixihchdjjfkfiivk. Honestly I want to commit suicide. But I couldn't do that to my mum. She's got three other kids to look after and it's not fair for me to be selfish and take all her attention. I took enough when I was 7 I don't need to do that again. I just want to rant when I can't sleep and I'm in tears or when I'm struggling to do something because my body is refusing move. And I'm so f-ing tired of hiding and then just pushing everything away because I don't want to deal with any of it. I really don't want to. Why. Just why. Why do people have to constantly bring others down so they can feel superior. I'm tired of hiding what I like because of society. I'm tired of people constantly being racist and then shouting at me for backing my corner when it's 1-3 and they were the ones that said to argue. I don't want to lie to my friends. They have opened up so much to me and yet here I am. Terrified to text someone in case I wake them up. Mleh. I'm done now. I feel better. But now this issue is do I publish this or not. I might get some decent advice. Or I'll just get a good laugh. Maybe some new distractions. I don't know. Apologies if I did publish this and someone is reading this. I'm trying to persuade myself to publish. Wow I seemed like a mess 2 minutes ago. Now look at me. Jeez

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Re: Hi. I don't really know what I'm doing

I should also probably point out that I wasn't raped. I just sexually assaulted. I don't like it when people think the worst and then realize it's nothing.

you haven't really given anything away here to let us give proper direct advice.

What I've gathered is your on meds, you've lied about how your feeling because someone else is feeling shit but you feel bad enough about yourself?

People are listening so id recommend posting again but more specifically so we can try and help.

But for now, you mention you have freinds and you care about your mum so for that reason... even though right now you don't have the kind of support you need there are people who love and care about you in life.

The last thing I can gather is that your torn and conflicted. But you feel guilt. You feel bad about certain things. This shows you are a good person. Your feeling empathy and your on in a transgretional period of self growth. Whenever you fuck up, shit gets bad and you start to overthinking and visit hell (hell being the negative emotional state) you are experiencing growth. You eother throw in the towel and die, or you persever till the end and grow.

This will end. Dependant on your age, past experiences and general resilience how long this takes is situational. But it will end... then when this ends you will meet the next obstacle in your life alot wiser.

I'm not very good at being specific. I don't really know how to be. And to be honest I just wanted to rant. I wasn't expecting someone to reply. But thank you for doing so. I'm not entirely sure how to be specific but I'll give it a go I suppose. However my idea of specific is starting from the beginning and then working my way up while getting sidetracked so you may ending up reading something that's muddled. Usually I don't go into specifics because I then tell myself I'm being selfish but here I can convince myself more that I'm not.

Okay so. When I was sevon I found out my step dad wasn't my real dad and decided to meet my real one. We did a DNA test and found out he was my dad. Skip a couple of weeks and he starting saying I should sit on his lap. Obviously I didn't suspect anything then so I did. I was cautious and scared but I still did it. Then he started touching me down below. Again I was terrified now. Then he was trying to force me into drinking. I still can't stand the taste of bailys. I have no idea if that's spelt right but hey ho. Then he wanted to watch movies. In the same bed. Now my mum does movie days and we all huddle into one room. Usually there becomes an argument but we survive. So anyway I agreed. Too scared to say no. Many things I've forgotten but I can still remember some details. Things happened and then the next day he took me to a pool and told me I probably shouldn't tell my mum. At the time I was ashamed and told myself it was my fault. I ended up telling my mum and sister. My mum Instantly called him and asked him about it. He tried to lie and my mum nearly believed him. But then she looked at me, hung up and then phoned the police. Skip a couple of days court showed up and I had to record a video instead of going. The article is online still as my identity is not in it. Carl brown Plymouth. The one with a mugshot. I'm not entirely sure how to explain it. Anyway in the court report turned out he had over 3,000 photos of Photoshopped women on naked bodies. Including my cousin. I believe some of them where me naked as well. Luckily my mum had stopped doing drugs then so even though we still struggled with money we had at least one meal a day. Which in my opinion is incredible.

Next issue. My sister then told a snake about what happened. I was extremely mad at her at the time but now I just don't care anymore. I tell people I thought I could trust things so she was just doing something human. Turns out the snake also had horns and she told my whole primary school. Yay. I'm the type of person that hates sympathy looks. But people would make dirty jokes and then look at me and day sorry and then laugh two seconds later. Maybe I twisted it but I definitely remember them all taking the piss (can I say this). A couple weeks later my mum then started doing drugs again. Wasn't as bad as it used to be but she still spends a lot of money.

I will carry on this later because I have to go out quickly. Sorry if you read this all. But also thank you