I’m sad, really sad, but not like really really sad, which I thank God for because I know he continues to grant me with the peace and love that I ask for in my prayers. But, this boy is constantly on my mind. Any chance I get; I wanna stalk him, call him, message him, pull up on him lol and all of the above, I wanna hug him and talk to him and smoke with him and laugh with him and do all the things we weren’t able to do. I can’t help but feel that maybe I should have been more patient, maybe I should have given him another chance, maybe I should have been merciful, how about if this isn’t what God was telling me to do? how about if the lesson God wanted me to learn doesn’t end with us not talking?But then I’m reminded by the fact that he hasn’t messaged me, he hasn’t called me, he hasn’t stalked me, he hasn’t pulled up on me so what if he doesn’t want a hug? a chat? to smoke with me and laugh with me? what If he doesn’t care about all the things we didn’t do?...This sucks bro kmt and when I say bro it reminds me of him Cah that’s what he always says and when I see people dancing to afrobeats it reminds me of him, when I listen to my favourite rappers it reminds me of him, when I sleep I see him in my dreams, when I watch a good movie on Netflix I wish I had watched it with him, in his arms, with his comments and interrupted by his kisses. Didn’t even know I could like someone this much in such a short period of time, i really don’t know what it is what it was but I do pray that we find eachother again, if it is in Gods will and only if it is in his will. The other day I was sat on my bed, fully indulgent in the peace that my Lord has blessed me with and suddenly my phone rang my heart instantly dropped with feelings of excitement and anxiety interwind, he was calling, finally, he wanted to fix everything, he wanted me back and he was willing to fight, these were the thoughts that filled my mind. But, no it wasn’t him he hadn’t called, he still hasn’t til this day, nothing, but he still updates his Instagram story. my heart 💔 I wanna love myself, I wanna feel whole, I wanna be strong, I wanna be happy, I wanna respect myself but how can I when the man I care about so deeply doesnt care about me at all?It’s so hard. So I throw myself onto social media apps In the hope of finding a Prince Charming that will come and sweep me off my feet distracting me from all the heart break caused by him. I take pictures to put on the gram, hoping that his friends see it and convince him that he can’t let such a beautiful thing go. I turn off all my notifications so that I’m not disappointed by every single little notification that isn’t from him. And I read the bible and pray to God everyday looking for the strength I need to get through this and begging for God to bring him back to me. But at the end of the day none of it works, the darkness settles, I find myself in my room, door closed, wallowing and arguing with my thoughts trying to hold onto that last bit of pride that is refraining me from calling him, calling him to say none other than those three words that would only be worth it if he says it back and no I’m not talking about ILY but I’m talking about I MISS YOU and that is the reality of it.. I do miss him.