So, I've been in a "relationship" with this guy for over 4 years, I write it between inverted commas because I still don't really know what we are. He has a girlfriend and I'm pretty aware of it, actually I can't stop but feel guilty every time we talk because I know that girl loves him and she doesn't know that he's cheating her with me; the problem comes when I want to leave him and I realise I can't because my whole life depends on him, on his opinion on how I dress, how I behave, what do i think. And I know it's toxic and I am totally agaisnt depending on your partner when you're with someone, I 100% help girls and boys come out toxic relationship but when it comes to me I can only thinko about how much I need him.
Every time I've tried to leave him inmediately I start feeling bad because I NEED HIM, I feel like I'm nothing without him and apart from all of that he only uses me. I've asked him what we are, what's our relationship, what's going between us but he never answer my questions. He blocks me and unblocks me whenever he wants and only talks to me when he wanna meet to... you know or when he wants me to send him privated photos. The issue taht follows all of this is that, the reason I haven't spoken with anobody about this is because there's anybody in my life I can talk to. You'd say your family but, what can I do when my biological mom lives on the other side of the planet and.. I can't tell her because she's working so much and has come over so much only for me to study and have a better life, to not have the horrible life she had; then there's my adoptive mother but she only concerns about her childs, the ones she gave birth to. Every time I try to talk with her about something serious she gets mad and I'm so terrified to the point I can't even express my own opinion on anaything because I'm scared to her. I wish I didn't depend on that boy but he's the only person that has "worried" about me in my entire life.
I feel like an awful person and I know I'm an awful person, not only for doing that to his girlfriend but because I'm living under this mask of fakeness all my life even to the point I don't even know what I want, what I like or even who I am.
I wish someone out there can listen to me, I just wanna have a friend, somebody to talk to, someone who help me to discover who I am. I just wanna leave him and being able to tell everybody how do I feel.
I hope you all have a great day.