Ben.The name would light up my world and bring warmth to my heart. I loved him with every part of my soul. For 3 years I gave him all of me - ALL of me - and neglected every other aspect of my life. And I didn’t care that the rest of my life was falling apart, because I felt like my life with him was falling into place. I loved cooking meals for him and setting it on the table for when he got home from work. I spent half my salary on ancient Roman coins that I knew he’d love - just to see him smile. I didn’t care about the money at the time (now, of course, I regret it), because to me it was a means to get him to feel happy and worthy. I did his dishes for him and cleaned his home. When he got sick I took care of him and cleaned his whole house - to the point of getting sick myself (at which point he didn’t take care of me though he was already feeling better). I took him on roadtrips and spontaneous adventures that he told me he never had done before, and that made him so happy. I held him while he cried about his childhood, and the misfortunes of his life. I listened to him and he always knew he could open up to me. I held him. I loved him. He was my world.Until I found out he was cheating.I broke up with him, then I found myself missing him way too much to stay gone. So I went back and told him I can only be with him if he blocks those girls he was cheating with and stops cheating. He responded by screaming at me and calling me controlling and jealous. It was a huge fight. I ended up backing down and saying sorry. And we ended up together again.Caught him cheating again, and this time I couldn’t even find the words to ask him to stop. I just broke down sobbing, in agony, and finally he said “I can’t let this happen again.”That gave me hope. And he blocked all the girls, and he started to focus on me and let them go.But then when I would ask for reassurance that he wasn’t talking to the girls, suddenly he’d shout at me and tell me I was attacking him and accusing him instead of trusting him. I told him I needed to build trust (and reassurance was part of that) since he broke my trust so many times. He didn’t listen.The anger got worse. He raged at me over spilled milk, over leaving an empty soda can on the kitchen counter instead of crushing it and putting it in the 5+ plastic bags he had laying around his kitchen with crushed cans inside (which he never took out anyway).He raged and raged. He called me a piece of sh**. He told me I didn’t deserve a diamond ring. No gifts, no dates, no kindness anymore. Just rage.Then last December he left me. Within a week he was sleeping with one of the girls he cheated on me with - during this week I was on his doorstep crying and begging, and instead of telling me he moved on, he said “I might be with you again but I don’t know, need to figure myself out. Don’t worry, I don’t want anyone but you and won’t be with anyone.” Lies. Again.4 months later he contacted me. I guess it didn’t work out with that girl. But I got back with him. I thought, well maybe I’m his soulmate.Nothing changed. Well, there wasn’t proof of cheating, but the rage was still there. Calling me names. Throwing me out of his house. For the most stupid things. Never apologizing. Ever.I finally left. Ben. My love, my everything, my world - who I would try doing anything for, including letting myself get cheated on and abused. I finally left for good. And it hurt. It hurts. It just hurts to know I gave him everything and he took it and just gave me more hurt in return.Now his name haunts me. I hear the name outside and I see it on social media. Even though it isn’t him; it’s just such a common name that I can’t avoid it. My stomach twists and turns. I miss him. Then I realize - no, I don’t miss him, I miss the person I thought he could be.I saw so much potential for change in him. After all, it doesn’t take much to be kind. To love. To be faithful. I don’t think so, anyway. But I guess for him it’s impossible.Or maybe I just wasn’t worth that change.