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Hope this helps someone find a way out.

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I will never return to this site, i just came here to say somewhere for someone to see what is on my mind. I keep thinking i’m ok and realizing i still am wanting so badly to end it all, yet still i don’t. I just want to be stable, prove that i can be to those i hurt. I just for the life of me cannot let go of the past. I miss my ex, the only girl i genuinely believe i could’ve married one day. I miss my best friend, and i hurt him so bad because of what i did, and now i may never hear from him again, and even if he did say something to me, we would never be what we were, he was really truly my brother, and i ripped his heart out all because i let my stupid lonely self do what i did. If i had ended up with her and he had never met her, if he had done what i did, would i pick her over him too, would i really be that stupid. Every damn night i try to close my eyes and sleep, the dark dark thoughts roll in. Every day i fight myself to live my life, but what is the point if i have to fight the one living it. If there was something i could say to fix things i would’ve found the words, but there are none. I want to be happy and move on, i have a girlfriend and friends and family who i refuse to put through my death, my suicide, but it feels like i’m just standing my ground on a crumbling cliff with an army of my own thoughts on every side of me. The worst part is that i’m curious, curious how those that i miss would react to the news, if they ever found out. Would he care, would he cry, would he be relieved? I so desperately want to know, and that’s horrifying. It was always this way though, the itch on the back of my head that became a shadow in the corner of my eye, and then there it was, visibly staring right back at me, i think me fighting is just delaying the inevitable. I’m destined to end my own life, it’s just a matter of willpower, and the clock is ticking. Even while i type this it’s pushing it’s way in, breaking down the barriers, and i’m afraid. I want to live, but the me that i’m fighting won’t let me hold onto that want. It’s like we’re both fighting over control, and we’re both me, but that other me still seems like someone else, the manifestation of my greatest weakness, and that is me.