I am a closet bisexual who is in love with a straight girl. I don't understand why this had to happen to me, I'm only 14. And she's a religious republican who would never love me. I know I should be sad about it or wish it would go away. But when I see her I don't regret a single thing I'm feeling. I can't take going to bed anymore though, because all I can think about is if I could have her and how my desires are impossible. The worst part is I can dream beautiful dreams of her being gay, or of me finally getting the chance to tell her how I feel, and I wake up. And I live every single day over again asI'm awake. Now all I can do is wish I see her in a dream, so I can have her in some way. Even if in my dreams she is straight, I'll still be able to tell her how I feel without the pain of not having her. But when I wake up, all I can wish for is the power to lucid dream to see her.
when I see her or sometimes just hear her name, it’s like relief. It’s like I’m always running and everything’s so fast, but when I hear her name there’s this relief that slows everything down, that makes me smile. It gives me a reason to push towards the unknown. Even just brushing past her in the hallway I can feel my heart sinking in my chest and my body fills with butterflies. When I lift her up and carry her, it feels like this is what I was meant for. It feels like if I had been a stray puzzle piece for so long and I fit in a place. There are so many things in life that bring me this feeling, but with her it’s so intense and it can happen so quick. It also comes from somewhere deeper within me, a part I might hide from others or even myself. I may know nothing.
This may be coming from nowhere and it might sound like bullshit because I’m 14 years old. But it just feels right. All I know is that I’ve been in quarantine for almost five months and I want nothing more than to hear her laugh. To hear her laugh and see her smile brings me sweet relief. Her body sometimes goes limp through laughter and she leans on me. And the few times she’s ever let me hug her were incredible.
I don’t even know why these moments feel so important to me but they do. And from what I’ve heard, love doesn’t make sense sometimes. But this is something that is confusing yet feels so strong that I don’t know what to do with it. So that’s me making sense of it.