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HOPELESSNESS

I am a closet bisexual who is in love with a straight girl. I don't understand why this had to happen to me, I'm only 14. And she's a religious republican who would never love me. I know I should be sad about it or wish it would go away. But when I see her I don't regret a single thing I'm feeling. I can't take going to bed anymore though, because all I can think about is if I could have her and how my desires are impossible. The worst part is I can dream beautiful dreams of her being gay, or of me finally getting the chance to tell her how I feel, and I wake up. And I live every single day over again asI'm awake. Now all I can do is wish I see her in a dream, so I can have her in some way. Even if in my dreams she is straight, I'll still be able to tell her how I feel without the pain of not having her. But when I wake up, all I can wish for is the power to lucid dream to see her.



when I see her or sometimes just hear her name, it’s like relief. It’s like I’m always running and everything’s so fast, but when I hear her name there’s this relief that slows everything down, that makes me smile. It gives me a reason to push towards the unknown. Even just brushing past her in the hallway I can feel my heart sinking in my chest and my body fills with butterflies. When I lift her up and carry her, it feels like this is what I was meant for. It feels like if I had been a stray puzzle piece for so long and I fit in a place. There are so many things in life that bring me this feeling, but with her it’s so intense and it can happen so quick. It also comes from somewhere deeper within me, a part I might hide from others or even myself. I may know nothing. 

This may be coming from nowhere and it might sound like bullshit because I’m 14 years old. But it just feels right. All I know is that I’ve been in quarantine for almost five months and I want nothing more than to hear her laugh. To hear her laugh and see her smile brings me sweet relief. Her body sometimes goes limp through laughter and she leans on me. And the few times she’s ever let me hug her were incredible. 

I don’t even know why these moments feel so important to me but they do. And from what I’ve heard, love doesn’t make sense sometimes. But this is something that is confusing yet feels so strong that I don’t know what to do with it. So that’s me making sense of it.

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Re: HOPELESSNESS

that was beautifully written but I think as kids we take in a lot of what is shown around us about love through music, TV shows, books, etc. I think once you come to a certain age of experience and maturity, and you've truly felt the goods and bars of life, you'll understand real love. Sometimes crushes can be romanticized as younger ages because of the way we see love from the outside, but it is exaggerated in our minds as to what we think love is by the ways others describe it. Good luck and I hope you fall in love with someone someday (in the right way).

Hey know. What your feeling is powerful and real. Its an upswing like nothing. But all things must Balance.

so their will come a time when i want you to remeber- 6 mo ths to 2 years.

Because right bow your body ishigh on its on chemicals. After time, your body will stop bei g high. And the downswing will start.

That low will be so low.

And i dont want to see a message on hear from you all depressed.

So when the down starts, just wait. 6 months to 2 years.