I want to stop loving you. But every time I do, you would always show yourself through signs and all I can see around is your name. During those moments I want to let go, you would come up in my dreams as if telling me no. Sometimes I don't want to wake up coz at least in my dreams I get to be with you, at least in my dreams I know and I can feel that you love me too. It was December 15, 2018 when I first started noticing you. It was the night of our rehearsal for our Christmas presentation in church. You were my partner. I joined the ministry June of that year, but it was not until around that December where I get to really have a conversation with you. After that day and lots of practice days, I started having this crush on you. You were so hardworking but you took leave just so we can rehearse. You were always supportive and ready to listen and help. And you are always beside me or close to me physically. I made you involve with our activities and gatherings knowing that you are a reserve type of person. But you rarely say no. Then one day I told you I have a crush on you. And you replied that you aren't looking to be in a relationship. That all you can offer is friendship. However you assured me that I was special coz I led you to be who you are now, more open and have more friends. I pretended it was ok. I told myself it was just a crush and eventually it will go away. But I was wrong. As the days went by, we spent more and more time together as a group and just like before you were always around me, always seating or standing next to me. You rarely started a conversation but when I hit you up, you were always the one who always has a lot to say. You went extra mile to spend time with us every time I ask you out. You always take me home even though you live near to where we usually came from. I know I was special, I was sure there was something. Then came that day when one of our leaders asked me if you and I are together. Most of the people who knows us thought you and I had a "thing". And even though I want to tell them we have, unfortunately there's none. They kept teasing me but they couldn't do it with you. I guess coz you were so serious most of the time. I love you. It sucks. But I truly do love you. I remember going to your training to bring you food even though it was miles away from where I live. Or when we had to pick you up from work just so we can have coffee with you. Or those moments when I would send you food and medicines coz you were not feeling well. You said you appreciate all of those on my birthday. But also you called it "debt." And that hurt me.I always believed in loving doesn't mean owning. I was happy with what I was doing however I was also scared to know your feelings toward me. So on 1st of Jan, 2020 I told you that I no longer have a crush on you, that I am already in love with you. I said I would need to move away from you for a little while to avoid being hurt even more. I was honestly hoping you would stop me. Instead you said "I would support you if that would help." I was in denial after you said that. But I know I must move on. After that you clearly got a lot aloof. On the other hand it took me just a month and I am back to being your friend again. Talking to you as if I am not hurting. Loving you and caring for you as if I was not crushed. And thinking about you even if I try not to.God knows how I always pray for you. And no matter how hard I try to deny it, I am still honestly hoping and praying that maybe when you are ready you would love me too. But for now I want to give myself a break. Tell me, how can I unlove you?