I haven't written anything yet and I'm already tearing up with anger at myself.At the start of last year there was a guy in my english class who was rapidly getting more involved with me - I kinda felt like he liked me and we messaged each other alot and talked bits and pieces in the yard. (Context: I was a year 10 girl last year aged 15, Im year 11 and 16 now).I started liking him back around a month after we first started getting closer and for 5 months (March to early August 2020) I really liked him. We hang out once in a group in July as we had mutual friends and 2 of my friends told me he had messaged them asking them to go that day so Id be more comfortable going and talking to him because he liked me. But they also told me (on the way there) that they didnt particularly like him because he was really sarcastic to one of the girls and some other not too dramatic things. I personally had a really good opinion of him, even before we started chatting, so I thought they just hadn't had a chance to get to know him yet. But Around early August, I realised that we had just been messaging each other for 6 months and not really talked in person and I thought perhaps he had lost interest in me.I have pretty bad skin (acne) and always feel that puts me at a disadvantage in terms of being liked by others. But before i continue I want to tell you all THAT IT TRULY DOES NOT MATTER AND PEOPLE WILL SEE YOU FOR YOU AND TO ALWAYS HAVE CONFIDENCE IN YOURSELF, YOU ARE ATTRACTIVE IF YOU BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!! I really wish someone had told me this sooner because i think I would have had more faith in myself and would have confessed to him when I had the chance. Back to the story, messaging had become shorter and less detailed at this point and I was questioning if I still liked him or if I just thought of him as a friend. I thought about what my friends said to me going to the meet up and if I really enjoyed only messaging him, if he would be happy with me or not and a lot of thoughts along those lines so I was in a lot of doubt for the next month into September.One of my friends was chatting to his friend (he wasnt there for it and nor was i) and she asked his friend if he still liked me and his friend said yes - thats all she mentioned to me. And so I thought because I was still questioning my feelings for him, rather than lead him on i should try and cut back the messages between us which were still a daily thing (just a bit shorter conversations). But things didnt exactly work that way.From mid September to late November we were still messaging a few times a week about basically the same things: he would ask how my day was, Id give a dry good hbu hed reply Id give a response and hed respond again and id likethe mssage or give a dry answer and that would be it. (Context we switch classes mid year and we still had English together - I turned 16 in Aug and he was still 15 his birthday in feb the year after I was born).By this point I had decided i didnt like him even though I was feeling a lot of regret from how things went - my fault. At this point my friends, not the ones from earlier in the story, were asking me if it was still going and said he was kinda desperate as hed still been messaging me despite the dry messages. More time went by and it was the day my city was set to go into lockdown and we found out our exams had been cancelled for the next week - our last week and we would have school for the last 2 days of the week. By this point we really werent talking (he still gave me Christmas card though with a really sweet Christmas card omggg!!). At this time though I kinda like the guy whose locker was next to mine i dont know why but I did. Then we went into lockdown and 2 days into it (when we found out we had a false alarm and it was lifted) he messaged me for the first time in a while asking how my holidays were going and i decided not to reply because i felt like i was leading him on - not to put cards on myself. It was left unopened for i think 2 days and he then deleted the message. I assumed this was enough to tell gim this time (i left some details out but he incited me to quite a few events and i said no to them). It was then at the end of December (that was mid december - the lockdown that is) and our other mutual friend group did a discord call to play among us together and that was fine so i thought we were chill. He then invited me to his early bday part at the end of Jan and I apologised and didnt go because i wasnt sure if it was a good idea and i didnt know any of the other guys going (7 guys and 3 of my friends who also didnt know the guys). I had plans so I turned it down and bought him a voucher that i had planned to give to him despite him saying he didnt want anything. Gast foreard to the day of his catchup/party my friends (the 3 girls who were invited) and some others got together to watch a movie as we had planned but 1 of those out of the 3 friend had said yes to his party and forgotten and said yes to us and only realised when she got to us. We all agreed not to post but she then went on to post (she a great person but for fuck sake - sorry for swearing) she even tagged me and the other girls in it. I was fuming, yes i had plans before but what the frick.I went back to school last week and we now only make eye contact we dont message or talk at school. For better or worse we are now on the same volleyball team - i thought this would be good as hopefully wed come to a bit of an understanding which was really naive of me. (My naivity is actually why i have avoided dating guys who have said they like me because i feel like they wont like me). During the training today our 2 most social players were at another commitment and were coming later and instantly there was really bad tention in the team as we had thy I used to like and his friend as the new members to our team which has been the same for the past 2 years. At the first break my friend instantly said to me about the tension and it was obvious he wasnt comfortable. I had a few guesses about why: 1. Because of the birthday incident 2. Because he wasnt in his previous team with his close friends3. Because he was upset with me about everything that happened. Either way the 2 social players got there and tryed to hype our team up and when he didnt get happier it made it obvious he wasnt happy. I tried to talk to him when we were ztanding near eachother during rotation about what the game score was - I admit it didnt really should like a question which could be why he reacted the way he did but he made eye contact with me and looked away....After practice i messaged my friend saying i felt really bad about all the tension and was worried if i had upset him and it was my fault he wasnt having a good time. She said that he said hi to her earlier so he couldnt have been upset about the birthday thing and if i was worried to just message him and ask. I wasnt convinced it was a good idea i felt like if i was going to ask such a thing i should have done it while we were there rather than ask him the score but I messaged him saying " hey you were kinda quiet today, everything okay?" I turned on instagram activity so i could see if he was online and it showed after 3 hours of waiting he had been online, he posted on his story about if he should get a hair cut or not and then he went offline. My message still hasnt been read.I often didnt know how to reply to him and would readthe notification then take a while to respond. Its wishful thinking I know. It was only around September when i started to question my feelings for him that i realised i had done the exact same thing in 2019 when my friend from out of school had asked me out. We were a lot chattier in person and when he said he liked me i had actually liked him but I panicked and was worried aboutso many things I turned him down multiple times and missed my chance with him.I hope a lot of you know what i mean by that as it has happened with the few guys i have seriously liked: i like them, we get closer and i panic and back off. If i have a single regret from any of this, it is that i didnt realise until now how much he meant to me and how happy he made me. He wont see this but I am sorry, i wish i had been braver and hadnt hurt you the way i have. Sorry it was so long everybody but I havent bee able to tell my full side of the story and really wanted to say it. I wish i could know his. Thankyou for reading.