I am currently in a deep depression. I have told some friends and family, but they don't know the real reason why. The truth is that, for the past four years, or at least what am able to remember, I have created a web of lies about my life, that I can't seem to get myself out of. When I left for university, I left home with the intention of unlocking all the best qualities about myself and live to the fullest, but these last four years have only shown the worst aspects of myself. I have a gaming addiction. I am lazy, I have low self esteem, and I just don't know who I really am anymore. I have become a compulsive liar. Currently people think that out these past four years I have spent at university. I have passed a year and half worth of schooling when in actuality, I have only passed 6 months. This has to be one of the biggest lies I have been telling people. I failed again, and used my depression as the main reason for failing this time. What really happened is that I gained a binge drinking problem over these past few years. I would drink so much until I would black out, all in the hopes of me approaching that girl I found beautiful or making conversation with complete strangers. I drank so much I used to injure myself from walking back home black out drunk. Thieves and beggars took advantage of my drinking problem, and would rob me of my belongs. I could never interact with people, just as my sober self. Over the year of lockdown, I even began to start binge drinking by myself. Another reason why my life has been so stagnant is because I developed a gambling addiction as well. I have probably lost over 8000 dollars worth, all to my gambling habits. When it was really bad, there was a time I spent over 15 hours sitting at a table just trying to break even. And I didn't. I also sometimes stole money from my family in order to feed the addiction. When I stole 10 dollars from my friends room just so I could feed myself, I started to cut down on it. I only really cut down on it when I used money that was supposed to pay my Bill's and my parents nearly finding out, that I couldn't pay my bills because I spent it all on blackjack. I still gamble today, but it's somewhat under control now. But one thing that has stuck with me the most is how much deceit and lying has transpired over the past 4 years. Only on December 21st did I come to realise how impactful my lying was on my quality of life. While on campus I began avoiding all the people I knew from previous, in order to conceal the fact that I was still a first year student after 4 years. I have lied about girls that I have been with, when I have only kissed 1 girl in these last 4 years. I have come up with stories that make my love life seem more interesting, than it actually was. I've lied to so many people, that I have a different story for a different group, one where I could be telling a lie, then another group where I told a deviation of the lie I told. From the drinking to the gambling to the lying, I been doing all these self destructive habits and because i am starting to realise them, I am also realising how deeply I have hurt my inner being. Truth is such a fundamental nature of being human, so it's heartbreaking to see how untruthful I have been. Because honesty is something that is preached everyday, it becomes very hard to forget that I have lied to my friends and family, so I have this loop in my mind that reminds of how much of a failure and liar I am. And because this is something people hold in high regard, I am too afraid to admit to others of this deeply problematic shortcoming because I fear rejection, when this is what I have been fearing even before I became fully aware of the lies I told. I can't wrap my head around the fact that I need to break trust in order to build it better stronger and better. As a way of coping with all these negative thoughts, I have begun to isolate myself completely. I have deleted all my social media and have also stopped talking to many of my friends. Because at this moment in time keeping quiet seems better than lying, but I know it isn't better than telling the truth. Since December 21st I kept my words that I utter to anyone to an absolute minimum, in order to prevent my chances of lying. And this is probably why I haven't been so good at communicating with others over the past few years. I've now come to accept this depression as something that will never leave me, because I don't think I will ever muster the courage up to be fully transparent to close family and friends. Absolute solitude is what is keeping me from fully breaking apart and giving up on life right now. And I think that it would be best for the whole world if I just kept this to myself. So yeah that's what's going on with my life right now. What about you? ♡

I am currently in a deep depression. I have told some friends and family, but they don't know the real reason why.The truth is that, for the past four years, or at least what am able to remember, I have created a web of lies about my life, that I can't seem to get myself out of. When I left for university, I left home with the intention of unlocking all the best qualities about myself and live to the fullest, but these last four years have only shown the worst aspects of myself.I have a gaming addiction. I am lazy, I have low self esteem, and I just don't know who I really am anymore. I have become a compulsive liar. Currently people think that out these past four years I have spent at university. I have passed a year and half worth of schooling when in actuality, I have only passed 6 months. This has to be one of the biggest lies I have been telling people. I failed again, and used my depression as the main reason for failing this time. What really happened is that I gained a binge drinking problem over these past few years. I would drink so much until I would black out, all in the hopes of me approaching that girl I found beautiful or making conversation with complete strangers. I drank so much I used to injure myself from walking back home black out drunk. Thieves and beggars took advantage of my drinking problem, and would rob me of my belongs. I could never interact with people, just as my sober self. Over the year of lockdown, I even began to start binge drinking by myself.Another reason why my life has been so stagnant is because I developed a gambling addiction as well. I have probably lost over 8000 dollars worth, all to my gambling habits. When it was really bad, there was a time I spent over 15 hours sitting at a table just trying to break even.  And I didn't. I also sometimes stole money from my family in order to feed the addiction. When I stole 10 dollars from my friends room just so I could feed myself, I started to cut down on it. I only really cut down on it when I used money that was supposed to pay my Bill's and my parents nearly finding out, that I couldn't pay my bills because I spent it all on blackjack. I still gamble today, but it's somewhat under control now. But one thing that has stuck with me the most is how much deceit and lying has transpired over the past 4 years. Only on December 21st did I come to realise how impactful my lying was on my quality of life.While on campus I began avoiding all the people I knew from previous, in order to conceal the fact that I was still a first year student after 4 years. I have lied about girls that I have been with, when I have only kissed 1 girl in these last 4 years. I have come up with stories that make my love life seem more interesting, than it actually was. I've lied to so many people, that I have a different story for a different group, one where I could be telling a lie, then another group where I told a deviation of the lie I told. From the drinking to the gambling to the lying, I been doing all these self destructive habits and because i am starting to realise them, I am also realising how deeply I have hurt my inner being. Truth is such a fundamental nature of being human, so it's heartbreaking to see how untruthful I have been. Because honesty is something that is preached everyday, it becomes very hard to forget that I have lied to my friends and family, so I have this loop in my mind that reminds of how much of a failure and liar I am. And because this is something people hold in high regard, I am too afraid to admit to others of this deeply problematic shortcoming because I fear rejection, when this is what I have been fearing even before I became fully aware of the lies I told. I can't wrap my head around the fact that I need to break trust in order to build it better stronger and better. As a way of coping with all these negative thoughts, I have begun to isolate myself completely. I have deleted all my social media and have also stopped talking to many of my friends. Because at this moment in time keeping quiet seems better than lying, but I know it isn't better than telling the truth. Since December 21st I kept my words that I utter to anyone to an absolute minimum, in order to prevent my chances of lying. And this is probably why I haven't been so good at communicating with others over the past few years. I've now come to accept this depression as something that will never leave me, because I don't think I will ever muster the courage up to be fully transparent to close family and friends. Absolute solitude is what is keeping me from fully breaking apart and giving up on life right now. And I think that it would be best for the whole world if I just kept this to myself. So yeah that's what's going on with my life right now. What about you? ♡