I don’t know how to be ok. I have a great job, a comfortable life but I’ve got inside my own head. I’ve fought off depression for years, self harmed, done drugs, I drink too much, I smoke too much. But I’m always fine. I’ve never been able to finish it because I’ve lost too many people that way and it hurts so bad I can’t put people through that, but I’ve thought about it. I’ve thought about ‘what if my car just goes into a tree’ ‘what if that lorry crashed into me’ ‘what if I swam too far out’ or fell off the side of the ship. But I’ve never quite managed it because I couldn’t put my family through it. But what happens when I can’t talk about it, I can’t open up about it, I can’t put that onto other people who will then constantly worry about me. I feel like a total fuck up.
This isn’t how I saw my life at 28. Still at home with my parents. Still driving a heap of shit car. Still single. Overweight. Smoker. Drinks too much. No savings. Like it just feels like I fucked my life up. I travelled but now I regret it because I could have saved that money and had my own place. I’ve brought health problems on myself, I’ve brought everything on myself. Yet I can’t get out of this vicious cycle of fucking it all up.
Trying to life a separate life in my own head to make it all feel great and pretend to be happy.