My sister is very shaken lately because her most valued friendship fell apart. She goes through another crisis with this background and sends me a lot of messages about how unfair it is, how miserable she is etc thinking that im ok and just living my life.
But in reality im planning to end my life. It's more like a longterm plan because i know that i couldn't leave my mother and sister right now, but im sadly convinced that my life will get only worse and worse. I cant get anything done, i hate changes, i'm afraid of too many dumb things and i guess i cant work it out. I wasted most of my youth, i cant achieve anything. Oh, and im asexual but still heteroromantic, so there is almost no chance of me getting in some beautiful relationship. Soooo i will end up as miserable failure. There is no point of stretching this further than necessary.
It's not that emotional, more like calculated over last months.
I don't know when it will happen, not today, not tomorrow, probably not in next year or two, but it will. Only thought of hurting those two close people keeps me here.