How i feel everyday.

Time Spent- 7m
8 Visitors

i am 16 and i have goals in life of becoming a dj, i have been working towards this goal for many years and i only started this as a way to forget about things that happen in my life. i have held off getting help for the past like 2 years because ive always had the mindset that this is normal and i should “man up” as being a male it just doesn’t seem right to open up and face my problems. everyday i wake up in the same shitty mood, i just feel like i have no purpose and i’m alone, i go out on walks alone daily to think about life but the more i think about everything going on the worse the thoughts get. my mind just tells me that i’m not enough, i’m nervous of what everyone thinks of me and i’m just always scared and sad, i have a stutter and i have had one for ages, i’ve tried speech therapy but nothing helps and that is a massive reason to why i feel sad, i used to get bullied a lot for my stutter to the point where i used to harm myself and cut my body to just feel pain because i thought that would help me, no one has ever known the pain i have been going through at home or in my mind. i have had thoughts of committing suicide many times and a few times i have tried to actually do it because i thought that would be the easiest way to stop the pain and stop feeling sad all the time, i cut myself on and off and i go through stages of not doing it and knowing how wrong and stupid it is but then i go back to doing it thinking it will help, i have a girlfriend at the moment and me and her have been together for 9 months and we had a previous relationship for about 6 months before it, she doesn’t know much about my situation but i have opened up a lot to her about how i am feeling, i am happy when i am with her but in the back of my mind i always have doubts and worry’s, i have been told by many people that i show signs of retroactive jealousy ocd, this is where your constantly asking about questions and it’s as if i’m being tortured, i would ask my girlfriend about her past experiences with boys and just have it on loop in my head, it would create a mental film and it feels like i would be trapped, then i just shake a lot and sometimes it makes me physically sick because i’m that scared and worried, and that just makes my more anxious and scared making my stutter worse, all of these just leave it in a negative pit 24/7 and i feel like i’m trapped, i feel like everyday i’m going to sleep just to relive the same nightmare that i call life and i wish there was a way to get out of it, i wish i could make all this pain in my head stop, i will never be able to fully explain what is going on in my head and this message 100% wouldn’t of done it justice but i know i am in need of help, but i’m not sure if that would actually help or if the thoughts about ending it all is better, i’ve always been scared to open up about this because i feel people won’t take me seriously and nothing would get better so there is no point, but i really don’t know what to do anymore, i’m just in a endless loop and i want everything to stop.