I feel very guilty sometimes, when my brother's friends came over when i was in the bathroom I have no idea what was wrong with me, i was so scared of something i couldn't even move, i was scared of making any sound so i was just standing like a deer in headlights for god knows how long. But i knew i needed to get out because I couldn't stay there forever or my brother would have to get me out of there, so i turned on the water which was loud enough for me to be less scared to make any noise. I don't even know what i was so afraid of - judgment maybe? I was scared of being looked at and scared of being made fun of. I think i really hurt my brother's feelings, he thinks i don't trust his friends, i do trust them, i think, i don't know, but i'm trying to get better.Everytime i go out in public i feel like a clown in a circus, i always feel like everyone is looking at me, judging me, hating me, i start hyperventilating a lot when i'm outside by myself, i usually only go out to get my younger brother from kindergarten, And i so desperately want to get to it as fast as i can because i feel safer even when my younger brtoher is with me, i don't trust him, but i feel much better. When i'm alone outside i feel very vulnerable, i feel like anything awful could happen at any minute, i get panic attacks which i try to hold in, but sometimes by the time i get home i start crying. I try to tell myself that it will get better, i know i will get better. I'm just so tired of feeling like this, of being myself. I try not to tell anyone how i feel, because my life is not bad or awful or anything, a lot of people have it much worse. I feel guilty about talking about my feelings, i feel like i don't deserve it. I usually pretend to be talking to certain people in my head, like they are actually real, it really helps and i usually forget what i was even sad about, but i have decided to start writing my thoughts down because keeping everything in isn't good, i have wrote in my diary a lot, but i feel like it's easy to find and i know that my mom will act like the victim and blame me for being ungrateful if she finds it, and if my dad finds it he will just become more depressed, i can see how everything is pushing down on him, he lost his job, my mom is constantly cheating on him with other men (like sending them nude pictures which i have seen multiple times kn her phone by accident), i know that my dad deeply cares about me, but he is very emotionally unavailable, but i can't blame him for it.(Update a month later)I've been feeling so empty, it was my mom and dad's anniversary yesterday and my dad went to a therapist because i begged him to seek help, but he said it "didn't help" which upset me a lot. He needs help but he thinks he's so strong, which he is, but asking for help does not make you weak. I really worry about him. My mom hasn't been better either, she gets mad at the stupidest things all the time, no matter what i say. I felt so empty yesterday, i hate that my mom is such an awful person to everyone, and i completely despise the fact that i'm her child, i used to be scared to be emotionally unavailable and unstable like my dad, but now i'm scared to be like my mom. I really wanted to kill myself yesterday. I looked around the living room and the only thing i could thinkbof is how much i hate it, how much i want to never see it again, how much i don't want to see anyone, ever. I didn't though. I still want to do it. I feel so empty all the time, i'm so tired of being myself, i just want everything to end..I've lost all hope, it never gets better.I've also been in a 3 year relationship, but we broke up a few months ago. We met on the internet and i instantly felt a connection towards him, and so did he. He was first to ask me out and i was beyond happy, we shared so much mkments together, we talked every day for hours and we were always laughing. But i've realized that i am so disgusting and so possesive, i wanted him to be mine and only mine because he was the only person to show so much attention towards me and i didn't want to lose him. He was also jealous, but he didn't let me talk to other people beside him, hewantted me near him 24/7, and every day it started to get worse for us, it's a very long story but i stopped going on online because i was so psychically and mentally exhausted of us and everything that was happening around me so he decided to break up with me, which didn't hurt me that much because we had the same thing happen just a week ago but i couldn't let him go, i loved him so much, i wanted to be wanted, i knew that no one will ever care for me as much as he did. I still think about him, he moved on and found himself a new partner which broke me, i am so happy for them both, but i always think that he never really loved me because he moved on so quickly, and i still can't move on.I have a friend, which i trust with my whole life. We share similar life stories and we just get each other, i really appreciate them. But they haven't replied to my texts and my calls for 4 days and my overthinking hasn't stopped since, i'm so scared that something awful happened to them because they always answer me in somw way or another.. i'm so scared to lose the person that i love the most..Sorry for my rambling but i really needed to get some things out..