How much loss can one life face? How much pain must be endured before suicide becomes a viable option? How much trauma can one person face? How many times can one person be abandoned, rejected and forgotten before they just give up? I've told parts of my stories before on Novni and, I don't know. I guess the point just never got across to my readers. People like to pretend that everything can be ok, that it will all work out some day. But that's the furthest thing from the truth. Nothing ever works out. Nothing gets better. It's just another wasted day, another waste of effort, another meaningless post. You wanna know why I'm so fucked up? Let me tell you some highlights of my story. My father stopped loving me by the age of 2, because my hair turned brown. Mommy decided to drag my brother and me to go find daddy fucking our therapist, and yes, my 3 year old eyes got to see my father buck naked going to town in her. Mommy and daddy decided to steal my brother and I back and forth up until I was about 8. When social services decided to step in. In my second foster home, my foster mother would beat the fuck out of me and then lock me up in the basement. In a storage room. She would leave me there for days at a time. When I was about 10, 2 years of this shit, my mother saw my bruises during a visitation. So we talked to my case worker and my case worker stated that I "had a vivid imagination and likely got the bruises by climbing trees". No investigation ever occurred. The beatings and the being put into isolation would continue for a further 3 years after that. All told, 5 years of torment. One time she left me in there for so long that I started to believe the devil was talking to me. My father was the one who won custody of both my brother and myself. I came first, 6 months later my brother came. We were treated like ghosts for the remaining years of my adolescence. My father had only gotten us back for our disability checks. Finally left when I was 19. After I refused to keep up with Socual Security because I wanted a normal life. God, i was a fool. If i knew then what i knew now... i would've taken that check and used it to leave. Instead of being homeless for a few months and everything that followed. I couldn't hold down a job because i was so messed up. Still, i did have a girlfriend. We were together for 7 years and we have a son together. After things fell apart between us, she started fighting for sole custody and i just gave up. There was no way i could fight that. I was already dealing with losing her. She ended up getting full custody and she promptly jetted out of state to go be with some guy she met on the internet. Haven't seen my son since. That was 14 years ago. I was pretty damn broken and i was constantly suicidal. I won't get into the methods i tried, but i did try, many times. Got into a semi stable relationship but that fell apart, joined the army. Fucked up my left knee on an obstacle course. Couldn't graduate BCT because I could run with a bum knee. Came back, got into another relationship. We got pregnant within the first 3 weeks. It was never our intent, but we didn't do anything to stop it either. After about 8 months, we began falling apart because to be honest, I was a toxic piece of shit to her. I'll never understand how she stayed with me for so long. I was still secretly in love with my first ex. She did try to love me but I just couldn't accept it. Tried to kill myself again. She finally left my worthless ass. A few weeks later, our son died. Just a week before birth. That broke me in a way that I've never experienced before and I've never been broken that bad afterwards either. I just could not face everything, myself, how I acted, why she left and then stopped off with losing our son? I was fucked in all kinds of ways. Stayed that way for about 5 years. Then I finally put myself out there again, because that's just who I am apparently. Found a new girlfriend. Moved half way across the country to be with her. We were together for almost 5 years. She got pregnant about 2 years into our relationship. She never would allow me to see my son either. I got 9 hours with him at the hospital. That was it. I never got to see him beyond that. We were extremely toxic to each other over the phone, but in person there was an undeniable connection between us. I had never felt that attracted to anyone ever. It was like we shared our own universe together. But I progressively got worse and worse over the next 3 years as she kept refusing to allow me to see our son. I still tried to work things out but it just was never going to happen. So she left, I tried to kill myself. Ended up in the hospital this time. The room they put me in looked exactly like the room we had been in during the 9 hours I got to spend with my little family. It just broke me down and every time I opened my eyes, I couldn't help but cry. For 3 days, almost straight, I cried. They literally had to knock me out twice because I just could not sleep. Everything just hurt so bad. Then I started working on myself. I didn't want to be the jealous, controlling piece of shit that I was anymore. So I started digging into psychology and meditation, as well as morning routines and diet. Basically changed myself inside and out. After a few months, I figured I was ready to move on again. There was no hope I'd ever see my son again, I wasn't even on his birth certificate. So I just moved on. Got into another relationship that lasted about 2 years, ot ended last December. Everything started off really good, or so I thought. I did everything I could for her, gave her everything I had pretty much. We even lived together for almost a year and it was the safest I had ever felt in my life. I had never accused her of anything. I never tried to control her or talk down to her, for me, it was like I was a whole new person. But after about 3 months of living together, she started to get distant from me. Over the months, affection became rarer and rarer. Sex went completely out the window. And I mean I tried to talk to her about it. I tried my best to communicate with her and get her to open up to me about what was going on. But nevertheless, she ended up deciding to leave me, after taking all my money over the months from my disability (this included retro pay), and even going as far as stealing almost all of my check that month and spending it in large part on stupid mobile games. Our first major argument would be our last, because I was finally tired of the lies. She had lied to me before and I caught her red handed. But this last time, she was lying about where she was and who she was with and i had evidence of that. But to her, it was just too difficult to deal with me. I was too sensitive and she just couldn't love me anymore. And yet, here i am again, 6 months later and my brain wants to put myself out there again... for what??? Everyone who could've ever loved me has left. I don't have friends, I don't have connections, I don't have anything or anyone. It's just me and my brother and that's it. Some days it gets so strong that I can barely hold myself back from trying. But in so doing, I have to hold myself back from so much more. I have to punish myself. Because I deserve it. I've got 2 sons out there. One of which I haven't seen since he was 3, he's almost 17. My other son, I know that wasn't my fault. I could not get his mother to play family. She got what she wanted, a baby. She didn't want anything or anyone else.He's a bit over 5 years old now. My son who didn't make it to this world, he would be 12. All I ever wanted to do in this life was have a family of my own and break the cycle of abuse that I was born into. I failed at that, miserably and absolutely. I ask again, how much should one person endure? How much trauma does it take? Until suicide finally becomes the answer.

How much loss can one life face? How much pain must be endured before suicide becomes a viable option? How much trauma can one person face? How many times can one person be abandoned, rejected and forgotten before they just give up?I've told parts of my stories before on Novni and, I don't know. I guess the point just never got across to my readers. People like to pretend that everything can be ok, that it will all work out some day. But that's the furthest thing from the truth.Nothing ever works out. Nothing gets better. It's just another wasted day, another waste of effort, another meaningless post.You wanna know why I'm so fucked up? Let me tell you some highlights of my story.My father stopped loving me by the age of 2, because my hair turned brown.Mommy decided to drag my brother and me to go find daddy fucking our therapist, and yes, my 3 year old eyes got to see my father buck naked going to town in her.Mommy and daddy decided to steal my brother and I back and forth up until I was about 8. When social services decided to step in.In my second foster home, my foster mother would beat the fuck out of me and then lock me up in the basement. In a storage room. She would leave me there for days at a time.When I was about 10, 2 years of this shit, my mother saw my bruises during a visitation. So we talked to my case worker and my case worker stated that I "had a vivid imagination and likely got the bruises by climbing trees". No investigation ever occurred. The beatings and the being put into isolation would continue for a further 3 years after that. All told, 5 years of torment. One time she left me in there for so long that I started to believe the devil was talking to me.My father was the one who won custody of both my brother and myself. I came first, 6 months later my brother came. We were treated like ghosts for the remaining years of my adolescence. My father had only gotten us back for our disability checks. Finally left when I was 19. After I refused to keep up with Socual Security because I wanted a normal life.God, i was a fool. If i knew then what i knew now... i would've taken that check and used it to leave. Instead of being homeless for a few months and everything that followed.I couldn't hold down a job because i was so messed up. Still, i did have a girlfriend. We were together for 7 years and we have a son together. After things fell apart between us, she started fighting for sole custody and i just gave up. There was no way i could fight that. I was already dealing with losing her. She ended up getting full custody and she promptly jetted out of state to go be with some guy she met on the internet. Haven't seen my son since. That was 14 years ago.I was pretty damn broken and i was constantly suicidal. I won't get into the methods i tried, but i did try, many times.Got into a semi stable relationship but that fell apart, joined the army. Fucked up my left knee on an obstacle course. Couldn't graduate BCT because I could run with a bum knee.Came back, got into another relationship. We got pregnant within the first 3 weeks. It was never our intent, but we didn't do anything to stop it either. After about 8 months, we began falling apart because to be honest, I was a toxic piece of shit to her. I'll never understand how she stayed with me for so long. I was still secretly in love with my first ex. She did try to love me but I just couldn't accept it. Tried to kill myself again. She finally left my worthless ass. A few weeks later, our son died. Just a week before birth. That broke me in a way that I've never experienced before and I've never been broken that bad afterwards either. I just could not face everything, myself, how I acted, why she left and then stopped off with losing our son? I was fucked in all kinds of ways. Stayed that way for about 5 years.Then I finally put myself out there again, because that's just who I am apparently. Found a new girlfriend. Moved half way across the country to be with her.We were together for almost 5 years. She got pregnant about 2 years into our relationship. She never would allow me to see my son either. I got 9 hours with him at the hospital. That was it. I never got to see him beyond that. We were extremely toxic to each other over the phone, but in person there was an undeniable connection between us. I had never felt that attracted to anyone ever. It was like we shared our own universe together.But I progressively got worse and worse over the next 3 years as she kept refusing to allow me to see our son. I still tried to work things out but it just was never going to happen. So she left, I tried to kill myself. Ended up in the hospital this time. The room they put me in looked exactly like the room we had been in during the 9 hours I got to spend with my little family.It just broke me down and every time I opened my eyes, I couldn't help but cry. For 3 days, almost straight, I cried. They literally had to knock me out twice because I just could not sleep. Everything just hurt so bad.Then I started working on myself. I didn't want to be the jealous, controlling piece of shit that I was anymore. So I started digging into psychology and meditation, as well as morning routines and diet.Basically changed myself inside and out. After a few months, I figured I was ready to move on again. There was no hope I'd ever see my son again, I wasn't even on his birth certificate. So I just moved on.Got into another relationship that lasted about 2 years, ot ended last December. Everything started off really good, or so I thought. I did everything I could for her, gave her everything I had pretty much. We even lived together for almost a year and it was the safest I had ever felt in my life. I had never accused her of anything. I never tried to control her or talk down to her, for me, it was like I was a whole new person. But after about 3 months of living together, she started to get distant from me. Over the months, affection became rarer and rarer. Sex went completely out the window. And I mean I tried to talk to her about it. I tried my best to communicate with her and get her to open up to me about what was going on.But nevertheless, she ended up deciding to leave me, after taking all my money over the months from my disability (this included retro pay), and even going as far as stealing almost all of my check that month and spending it in large part on stupid mobile games.Our first major argument would be our last, because I was finally tired of the lies. She had lied to me before and I caught her red handed. But this last time, she was lying about where she was and who she was with and i had evidence of that.But to her, it was just too difficult to deal with me. I was too sensitive and she just couldn't love me anymore. And yet, here i am again, 6 months later and my brain wants to put myself out there again... for what???Everyone who could've ever loved me has left. I don't have friends, I don't have connections, I don't have anything or anyone. It's just me and my brother and that's it.Some days it gets so strong that I can barely hold myself back from trying. But in so doing, I have to hold myself back from so much more. I have to punish myself. Because I deserve it. I've got 2 sons out there. One of which I haven't seen since he was 3, he's almost 17. My other son, I know that wasn't my fault. I could not get his mother to play family. She got what she wanted, a baby. She didn't want anything or anyone else.He's a bit over 5 years old now. My son who didn't make it to this world, he would be 12.All I ever wanted to do in this life was have a family of my own and break the cycle of abuse that I was born into. I failed at that, miserably and absolutely. I ask again, how much should one person endure? How much trauma does it take? Until suicide finally becomes the answer.