I told my father "You're always disappointing me" and it was a very freeing feeling.
I think he won't ever forget it, I think I hurt him deeply, even if he didn't show it. I think he isn't able to really understand where I was even coming from, that it wasn't a careless, spontaneous comment.
I think my mother was disappointed in me. She did always tell me to just let him be, to be the bigger person.
But it turnt out that this was something I really needed him to know, for all the past and future times I have to force my mouth shut to not tell him what I really think about him and his behavior.
When I was a child, he was the kind of father who tried to pretend to be the hero who knows best and only does best. The one who could save this world if people would only let him. The one who knows all truths about everyone.
Now I know that he just enjoyed the feeling of validation that a child provided him and his small self-esteem.
He's not a hero. He can be as racist, sexist and homophobic as all the other people who deny any faults in themselves. And he can't accept that I'm not this small, star-struck child anymore, who hangs onto his every word.
He has told me so often what a disappointment I am and how sick I make him. It was so nice to be honest in return for once