I am a sadist...

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I need advice. I am not a bad person i just occasionally have extremely violent urges. Not really in a sexual way, though i have looked into it, i think it’s embarrassing and puts sadism in a cringey trivialised light. It only really happens when im annoyed, I constantly want to hurt my animals when they disobey me, but i havent done anything to them since i was little. Even when i did i always felt terrible afterwards, spoiling them silly for days and crying myself to sleep. But it felt so good, the best feeling ive had really... i feel kind of numb lately. I mainly want to strangle or stab, something up close and personal idk, i looked it up and they said you need an outlet but the job of professional “torturer” doesnt exist anymore sadly and the other options didnt seem like they’d quell what i feel. Im still a teenager and these feeling arent as frequent as they used to be luckily but i need some advice as to what i could do to numb these feelings... or even put them to good use? Thanks for listening, sorry if you think im crazy or something :)

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