I am completely lost in life I don’t feel like I have anything

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for reference I am 17

way back in may I realized that I was having some internalized issues. A very horrible past that had came back to haunt me again. I had a girlfriend at the time we had been friends for about a year before we started dating from summer 2019 - summer 2020 we had a large friend group everyone was happy and it was such a nice time. But around May 2020 like I said I was having a lot of problems and I let myself go basically I was working out 4 or 5 times a day to deal with these problems and thoughts, which is fucking crazy no one should be working out like that unless they have issues, but it was my way of coping with my anger and sadness. Long story short I split things off with my girlfriend because she refused to give me space and we kind of got into a weird area. At the time I preferred to hangout with friends because it helped me think of these things less. So after we broke up we stopped talking for a long while, when I get a call from a old “friend” who said the night before all of my “friends” got wasted and my ex girlfriend told them a lot of personal stuff. I was pretty fucked up about because we left off on good terms but it hurt a lot to hear that. Eventually I got a text from her and we got arguing and shit like that and eventually we came to a compromise she wanted to talk to me about it in person. A couple days later I went to her house and I talked with her. One thing led to another and I folded, so there I am in bed with her basically back together back together and happy again right?

wrong I fucked up bad here I realize this but you have to understand to mind state I was in completely fucked. If I didn’t care for myself how the fuck could I care for someone else. So we got back together for a while but then I broke it off again. I needed time to clear my head.

Fast forward to now why do I still love this person. I do not get it, it’s like the heart break hit me like a shotgun 2 months after we split for the second time. Yes I know I fucked up bad, I wish I could have a word with this person just to apologize and only that. Now all my friends have left me excommunicated me and I am sitting with nothing. Part of me has terrible thoughts I do not wish to share on this website, but the other half just wants to make amends with people i have wronged and move on. I’m in a really fucked up place and I just need help. I have never been in so much pain I hardly sleep at night because I can’t get away from my own thoughts. I am fucked.

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