I am guilty and I'm sorry I lost my sense

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My 11year old cousin brother caressed by breasts when I was 19. I was in ultimate shock when I realised what was actually happening. It's been years and I'm not sure if he knew what he was trying to achieve from that act. I've caught him watching porn on tab of his parents. But it didn't look like it bothered him at all.

It should not have happened. I had objected.. many many times. I ignored him. I hid away from him. I always made sure we were not alone.

But he was so adamant with it and I just lost it once and it was a disaster from there on. It was so addictive. I just loose my reality in seconds when he makes a move. He plays around with my breasts. Tries every techniques he got from videos. But then that's it. He loses interest after couple of minutes and then he lies down next to me playing games. It's a bloody guilt filled relief that i feel at that moment and also left with this weird craving for more. Maybe I started falling easily because he was being too sneaky to get what he wanted and it was interesting to see after some attempts.

Those moments has just happened hardly 5 times. I've cried many times feeling guilty that I'm like a pedophile. But I'm not. I've never touched him immorally. Not anyone. I've not responded at all when he was in act. I just co-operate like a dead. And i feel that's equally a mistake. I should not have let it progress but i lost it at some point.

It has always confused me why he did that. What made him do that. What could've been the underlying intentions. At first i thought it was something of a motherly affection towards me. Maybe he was trying to copy the acts he saw on porn. Maybe be he was curious with my breast as it was evidently big.

But i refuse to believe he was turned on sexually to perform such acts especially on a close relative because it was too early for him to loose his innocence.

Sometimes when I'm alone in a mood i think of those moments. It's now my personal kinky set of memories.

Yesterday I saw an article by a lady calling out a 14year old body who asked permission to grope her breasts. She mentioned how shocked she was by the things he knew considering his age. It's still a mystery for me how hormones work for boys.

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