Working as best as I can with what I've been dealing with. I was feeling well and good enough to do work today after having had a 4 day vacation. Supervisor says I'm still not doing my work - which I know I'm not, because I'm not motivated to do it. I haven't been motivated to do things. It gets so stressful at work. I feel like I can't even work at all. For anything. I miss some of my more "simpler" jobs, not that any job really is simple. But those jobs I had less stress in and I was alright. Though I know they're not really sustainable, like they won't really be able to help me survive at all nor allow me what I really want to accomplish in life - pay was just that little. I have a great paying job now but my motivation to do work for it is just really down the drain for some reason. I started therapy again. Only had one session. Hasn't been much help but I like knowing there is someone helping me get to the right path. That's all my supervisor wants for me to. He's just trying to guide me to the right path in my job so I can get things done. But I am getting scared that I will be replaced soon. Really soon. Because I's been about a month of me just not producing any results. I don't even like asking my supervisor questions. I find myself doing literally everything else but work. Getting the mail - checking it multiple times if it hasn't come even though it generally comes around the same time, walking around the house looking for a snack or something else to do, responding to my parents' requests (I live with my parents), planning myself a vacation that I would need this job for because of the money................... Money is just so stressful for me. I'm making a decent amount, I really am. But I have been feeling like I don't deserve it because I haven't been able to produce anything. I find myself also like hyperventilating after every meeting I have. Some of them I don't even talk in. I'm just listening and I still have to take a few moments to breathe to relax or something. I know my performance is really heavily attached to my mental health. That's been going down and down the drain for months. Break up, working from home, knowing I'm not doing great at work. Making decisions for myself has become such a scary thing that I don't even know what I want to eat for breakfast and I end up just not eating anyway! That's not normal. I like food :(( I am trying my best to get back to a better mental state. But the thought that comes up in my head is that my work place might not be patient enough to "wait it out" for me to get better. Just getting a therapist was stressful, someone who is suppose to help me with the stress. Ugh... I saw a post somewhere earlier today, or maybe last night, I don't remember, BUT the post was basically mentioning how we're replaceable. The person had quit multiple jobs, gave 2 weeks notice for it, and was fired before the 2 weeks were up. He's now in a high position for a company, or in general I think - I really just skimmed that post since I was getting a bigger message other than what this person does for a living now - and one of the things he mentions at the end of his post is to basically make time for yourself, friends and family, and your interest. I'm trying to do that. I started picking up video games again after having not played for months. It feels a bit weird but I found myself enjoying just the process of getting back into it (getting the mods for how I want to play Minecraft was quite satisfying, and just listening to the Doom Eternal soundtrack got me excited to make time for the game this coming weekend). Maybe I really do need to just discipline myself to do work at certain hours and then let myself just relax afterwards. It would definitely seem rewarding for me to know that I completed something that day and can happily slay marauders before I sleep soundly lol. I just find it hard to focus on work during the day when I should be, well, working. I literally looked up mustangs for sale in my area even though I'm no where near ready to purchase a car just yet, I planned a trip to Tampa, FL as a birthday gift to myself even though my birthday isn't even close yet, looking at houses for sale that might interest me. Literally anything else besides work. And what stresses me the most is that all of those things require me to have a job to get the money to get those things and I can't do the job so it makes me scared. I don't know. I think I'm overthinking things too much. Looking too much at how everything is all "tied together" even though they don't really have to be. I was told by a friend that if I get fired from this job, which I've been fired before, it won't be the end of the world. Like I said I got fired before and here I am working. That means I was able to get out of my head and do something good for myself. I think it's just been really hard lately with this whole pandemic thing and the company I'm working for not even having an office to go to at all. I'm trying my best to really just get out of this rut and get myself to do my job. I just took a deep breath and to be honest, I changed my title to "I am replaceable...? And that's ok...?" Because in the working world, yes, I am replaceable. And I shouldn't take it personally. Sometimes a job just isn't meant for me. And I should be ok with that. I'm still learning to be better to myself really. I was so used to being perfect all the time where it prevents me from wanting to do any work because I'm afraid of messing things up. Even though the startup environment that I'm working in literally thrives on that. It's just really difficult for me to believe that I will be ok when I'm really feeling not ok. Just took another deep breath and I'm deciding that I'm gonna end this stream of thoughts and try to continue my work. I am good enough. I can do this. I am good enough. I can do this. I'll believe those way easier and sooner one day.