I fucking can't shake the feeling everything I do should result in a death. I stay up thinking about ways to take my life or to get something else too. I tried to kill myself but I realized I needed a note, something to leave behind like Virginia woof "my dearest I feel I am going mad again, I fear we can not go through another one of these terrible times." And begins to talk about how her husband was always there. Then she puts rocks in her pockets and heads to the lake.
I want to leave something for someone to try and get a sliver of an idea about how I live my life but that was Virginia's life and I need to find my own. So I have made a promise to myself to not die till I find that piece of writing the last writing I will do the last thing anyone will see of me.
And it sucks because I am stumped and I want to die so much already. My cousin the one person I could talk to told my mom and now they know, and so does my grandma and now every word is like about my selfish act about how the devil is trying to take my soul. They don't even want to help me with this information just guilt trap me.
You don't know me fuck you probably looked at how long this is and hesitated to read it all but this is just a summary a fucking sugarcoat of it all. Maybe you do know me hell you could be my fucking sister right now and not even know. The point is I post here not because I want help but because this place I can talk and not be forced into help I will not be dragged to the hospital for posting this. I will probably get a few likes and a heart. But for me thats all I want right now.
I just want it all to stop! I just wanna lay here on my bed sulking while listening to music. I can't possibly seem to live with myself and I am sorry you read this because I just wasted probably about 2-5 minutes of your life you will never get back.