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I am unlovable

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okay here's the worst thing i've ever done. for context, im an 18 year old girl who's a lesbian. when i was 13 years old, i was sleeping at a gf's house. i woke up in the middle of the night in an almost trance-like state and started grinding against that girl's thigh (my idiot brain thought she was awake and consenting). i noticed she was asleep halfway through and went into a blind, animalistic panic and didn't know what to do (if i stopped, she'd never know it happened which felt really unfair morally) so i kept going. we've never talked about it since and she's still my girlfriend (fun fact: she now abuses me emotionally, which is maybe why we don't talk about things like this). im like 95% sure she's completely non-traumatised and fine with it now. i know it's probably not fair to call me a rapist but that's how i feel. ive spent the past 5 years feeling like there's no redemption for me and that i'm a terrible person forever, ergo that nobody can love me. this all sounds dramatic written down but im in emotional hell. pls send any messages of support if u have them bc ive never told anyone this before <3

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