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I am worried about myself

Time Spent- 14m
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I simply don't know where to start, i believe i am a sociopath, or atleast i have some type of personality disorder.. I was made the way i am... And that does not make me feel comfortable at all.

I've always been very sexual ever since i could remember, at a young age of 12 i joined a random chat group on a app and all strage types of men were all over me. Don't get me wrong i liked it. I didn't have any friends, still don't. People seem to come and go..or i left in fear they will leave. So naturally i loved all this new attention and i started talking to them. They would ask me if i have ever masturbated and i simply did not know any of these thing at a young age so i tried in fear of losing this new form of attention. And i went along with it. At 13 years of age i started watching terrible extreme porn about s*x slaves and i felt that need to be one. For someone to want me that badly. So when my actual hormones started i had a bit of history already. Fast forward im a (16-18) year old and i have masturbated to horrible thing. R*pe to be exact. And no not the fake ones, the real ones..

The reason why im writing is someone offered me a lift today. A man. It all went smooth and i am safe, but a part of me wanted not to be. Maybe if he kidnapped me i would've experienced exactly what i want, but the worst part is , no one would blame me if he "so happens" dead while im "escaping". Truly this would've been perfect. Luckily for him he had no bad intentions.