First and foremost I'm a long-term drug addict. Hate how drugs ruin my life and burn all the bridges with anyone who cares about me, knowing full well they only lead me back to prison or worse. Still, can't help but go back to using. Wish it was just opiates these days, but now it's crack. I get seriously addicted to opiates, but I can get off of them. Crack kicks my ass every fucking time. Last binge I spent 80k in 3 months on it. Now, let me say here that even though one of the main things when I first started getting high was drugs taking away the emotional pain I couldn't deal with or process at all, for most of my use it has been mainly about liking how they make me feel. I'm a painfully shy person, and being high makes me feel I can beat the anxiety to speak to people and if need be tell someone how I feel. But anyway, before I get too far off what I wanted to say, I came to genuinely like this chick I had know for a few years. Didn't have feelings for the first couple years, due mainly to the friend that introduced us sleeping with her off/on and then when I did I just never have had any "game" to run on girls. Now, part of my attraction to her was because she was chubby (but not too obese) and I don't know when or why my attraction to bigger girls started but she became what I wanted in a woman, her size, her willingness to get out and do stuff, and then some conversations we had about porn and such just made her seem like a girl I'd have a lot of fun with. Plus, the best part, she had big ass tits, and I'm a tit fanatic. There was a couple times I knew %100 she was into me and just literally doing nothing but waiting on me to make a move. When I said being high helped my anxiety and made me feel like I could talk to almost anyone and be able to speak what I'm really thinking, just because it makes me feel that way it usually doesn't happen like that. Most of the time the best case scenario is if I still can't push past the anxiety and stay silent out of the fear and shyness that so often is a companion of anxiety. Worst case, or worst I've seen up to this day, is when I couldn't nut up to tell this girl that A) I really liked her a lot and B) that alongside the feelings I have for her I also was dying to fuck her. Obviously I wanted to bury my face in her tits and put my dick her, but I also really wanted for her to really enjoy it all and have as good a time as me. Instead of just being forward about it, I kept taking huge hits before I'd write some long ass text about how fuck buddies could be good for friendships or some shit. Eventually she got sick of my shit and addiction (rightly so), told me I was annoying and a drug addict and to fuck off. To this day I still miss her and like her a lot, whenever a friend brings it up I just laugh it off or something with a joke, like it never bothered me. That's a lie.