I felt satisfaction after I held a knife to my father’s throat. I used to get triggered all the time and have physical fights with my extremely abusive father. It got worse later and one night he hit me on the head with a chair. The only thing I could grab was a knife. I held it up to his throat and threatened to kill him if he didn’t apologize. In that moment I didn’t have any thoughts. Just a fog and everything seemed to be in slow motion. When the realization of what I was doing came I immediately fled my house and tried to sort out my feelings. I didn’t feel anything. Nothing at all- not anger, not sadness, fear, guilt. Nothing but satisfaction about finally threatening him, having control. I’ve thought about this for a long time and came to a conclusion- I am able to hurt/harm and even kill a person. I do not know what to do with myself. I might flip and lose complete control at any second. Well, I guess if you see a female murderer from Russia- that’ll be me.